Happy Halloween Blog: Tryin' to Get to Yooooou and that ...Monkey?

Happy Halloween! And what do we have here? A little nurse, a doctor, a witch, and a vampire. Great costumes kids. Spooky! Hey, here's comes the McKenzie's! I wonder what they're going to be this year.

Wait...Oh God.

No, this is not okay. I'm all upset now. I was going to write a nice halloween blog about family, candy and togetherness, but this is just too much. Take the worst family Halloween costume and multiply it by one hundred and it maybe, just maybe, it might equal the dysfunction in this picture. The kids have genitalia. I don't even know what to write. This is what I get for waiting until 10 am to start drinking. Idiot!!!

Crime Blog: Dang It! We Should've Used Jungle Green

I know it's hard to tell with their faces so well covered, but two white males were recently picked up for attempted burglary in Iowa. Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller were caught breaking into an apartment building by one of the neighbors and arrested shortly thereafter. Can we discuss what a great last name McNelly is? Another fine example of Irish ingenuity. So instead of masks- maybe that was too cliché so close to Halloween- they decided to use permanent marker to cover up their features. Or maybe that's the last time they get too drunk the night before a robbery and pass out first. That’s a real amateur maneuver on their part. Everyone knows too much whiskey and you'll end up sexually assaulting a stuffed snake at a Halloween store after it rejects you. I mean after it jumps out at you. I mean ummmm...because it attacked you first. Oh man.

Rave Blog: Who Needs Glow Sticks?

Bro #1: Hey Bro! What are you doin' tonight? Yeah my boys and I are hittin that rave up in Lauderdale.
Bro#2: But Bro, you don't have a glow stick or anything. Dude, you don't even have one of those glow in the dark blow pops. You're an embarrassment to the rave community, boy. Not cool.
Bro#1: Oh no you didn't Bro, you fucking asked for it. Yo! Tiny Balls, hit the lights.

BAM!!!!!!

*Bro#2 sobs at the beauty*

Glow sticks are a thing of the past. It's called technology suckas. Diesel has created a line of clothing for even the most hardcore ravin' douche. They glow in the dark and that's all good, but blog readers, I would like you to look at the phrase on the t-shirt. "Unisex is the fourth sex." and don't you forget it. Learn up my students. They don't call me teacher for nothing.

Before you even ask Kyle, here's the link to buy up these bad boys. And Kristi, well I think you know who to pass this link on to. Don't worry ladies, they've got glow in the dark jeans too.

I can already hear "Sandstorm." Someone fetch me my glow in the dark sports bra! It's about to go down.

Irrational Fears Blog: There's Bugs Crawling All Over Me!

It's Halloween! So let's talk about things that scare the shit out of us. Not the normal things like meeting a dreamy guy in an elevator while unshowered, wearing a goddamn puffy jacket, and talking about your dream of beating members of your family in a race to see who can clean snow off a car faster. No, that kind of luck only happens to this "special" blogger. Son of a bitchmouth.

I want to talk about the fears that keep us up at night and consume us for no reason whatsoever. Fucking.Irrational.Fears. For example, you may be aware that I have an absolutely absurd fear of snakes. They TERRIFY me. I'm sorry about the caps, but it's truly how I feel. Recently, I was in a halloween costume store and a gigantic, green, fanged snake jumped out at me! Yeah it was stuffed, but I freaked out as though it was real. Yes, I'm aware a stuffed snake can't kill me, but we're talking irrational here. However, I am aware that I'm absolutely insane. Mainly because that's what the cashier told me when she was cleaning up snake stuffing. I cut that mofo with a Harry Potter wand. Parseltongue on that, Snake!

I also have a fear of refrigerators and 17th century paintings, but I blame both of those on the Ghostbusters franchise.

In honor of this intriguing subject, I've researched some of my avid blog readers own fears. It's just fascinating what an irrational fear says about a person.

Kristi and Kara: Oddly enough both of these girls are afraid of feet. Now, I've heard that Kara's is only a slight fear. Truthfully, I wish she'd worry less about feet and more about making sure I never have to call someone a "douche canoe" again. Kristi's fear of feet though, oh my god, you want to see irrational. I've seen this girl brought to tears because someone bought her a toe ring. It was her husband and he was proposing, but that's not the point. She's totally crazy.

Lindsay:  My dear sister apparently has a fear of being impregnated by an alien. This answer leads me to believe she wasn't taking my questionnaire seriously. oh, this will be the last time she does that. That being said, if any of you have met any of her ex-boyfriends it's actually reasonable that she could have been impregnated by an alien. Wait, now I'm confusing massive d bag with alien. Sigh, it's not the first time, it won't be the last.

Kyle: He would like you to believe that his irrational fear is peanut butter sticking to the roof of his mouth. Yeah...no I don't think so. It's obviously comment wars. I get that though, he got straight schooled by Flynn.

Speak of the Devil: Where do I begin. Whew... Flynn is afraid of the undead. But, by undead I don't mean vampires. Vampires are super hot and not to be feared, Stupid. I mean anything that isn't living. Air conditioners, toasters, cement, tvs, coffee mugs, highlighters, facebook, and well, you get the idea. Pretty much everything. She doesn't leave the house really and that's why she has so many blog posts. Yes, she has undead things in her house, but she thinks she's paid them not to kill her. That's why you find money stapled to everything in her house. Yeah it's a gold mine when you go over there. One time she bawled all through hot yoga because she was positive the mat was making death threats. What she doesn't know was that it wasn't the mat. It was me. I could have killed her for convincing me to do hot yoga. As if just yoga isn't already a pain in the ass. Except for the time I got my chakras cleaned. That was kinda nice.

Anyone have an irrational fear they'd like to add? I can make fun of you too. This is a non discriminatory blog. Except for you, Elijah Wood. Baby Gunner and I don't want you in our lives.

Twiharder Blog: Oh Wolfy!

Dear Summit films,

As you and I both know, TONS of people read my blog. So whenever you want to send me my publicity check in the mail that would be super. I mean, I'm just trying to help you guys out here.

   Yours truly,
   A Mediocre Blogger

I've spent a few posts on the vampires of the Twilight Saga, and frankly if you haven't seen my RPattz blog get on that shit. I've even spent some time on Taylor Lautner. But it's come to my attention that one of the wolfpack is seriously smokin hot and far be it for me to ignore such great talent. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you...Alex Meraz.

Here he is all wolfed up.

And naturally, just in case you want to pic your totally favorite wolfy!

Man, I hope sarcasm comes across on this blog.

Anyway, there's some hot man meat for you. Well, teenaged almost man meat. I think Taylor Lautner is dating that floozy Taylor Swift now. Come on Jacob, she's been through a Jonas Brother or two at this point, and I'm not buying that purity thing for a second. Next thing you know, you'll be raising baby Swift-Jonas and wondering where all your best werewolf years have gone. Take this from a girl who once dated Elijah Wood.

Halloween Blog: This Guy is Kind of a Dick, No?

A lovely fellow in Brooklyn has concocted a great halloween costume. All he needs is that special wingman/double amputee to help him fulfill his hopes and dreams. Sigh...Halloween sure does bring out the best in people. People are more accepting than ever. Usually, a double amputee might have trouble hanging out and meeting people on Halloween, but thanks to this kind gentleman, they're going to be the life of the party. Of course, should the amputee meet that special someone they're shit out of luck. Why? because they'll be hanging from a dude's back!

Does the ad author really think this is a good idea? If you have to preface your ad with "this might be really offensive" then it probably is. I assume he is already in a relationship or has no interest in seeing a girl naked because dressing as Chewbacca with a double amputee strapped to you is not the way to a girl's heart. Some of you that don't think I know everything (morons) might disagree, but I just can't see this going over well at a party. Unless they decide to be slutty Chewbacca and C3PO. If that's the case, I stand corrected.

Wedding Blog: Yeah Fucking Right

You are formally invited to the wedding of
Ms. Ashley Tisdale to Mr. Kyle Schimdt
The ceremony will be held at the Cathedral in Kyle's head
on the 11th day of fucking never.
The lovely couple is registered at Bath, Bed, and Beyond.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the delusional marriage between Kyle Schmidt and Ashley Tisdale. How do I know Kyle is young? Becuase he wants to bone marry one of the chicks from High School Musical. Although, I wouldn't knock that Zack Efron out of bed so I guess that makes me young at heart. *coughs*

Ahhh young love. I remember when I wanted to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Yeah JTT and I could've really been something. That whole "celebrity thing" and "not knowing who I am" really got in the way of our relationship. He's an amazing actor though. Remember when he was in The Lion King. He was the baby lion. Sigh...meOW.

Bad News Blog: The Zombies are Going to Win

A pink bathrobe in public! Oh the humanity!!!!!

I recently recieved an article from the esteemed journalist Flynn. Professors from the University of Ottawa have discovered through various experiments involving math and infectious diseases that, were a zombie outbreak to occur, the human race would be TOTALLY fucked. Usually, I would link to that very article, but I took too damn long to write this post so the link is broken. Apparently, Yahoo! doesn't think the fate of the human race is important enough to keep around. That's fine though, this isn't some lame science blog that relies on facts. Crap like that is for politicians. If you're truly concerned you can google it. Newspapers in the UK probably care a whole lot more about what's going on in Canada than I do. I've got more pressing things to worry about. Like staying away from the delectable looking chocolate cake in my fridge. I just can't bring myself to throw it away, it looks too delicious and I'm just one person. What kind of a jerk would torture me with such a thing?!

Back to science and zombies. It's really no surprise to me that the zombies would win. What possible defense mechanism do we have against a thoughtless, hungry, flesh eating machine? But enough about Tyra Banks, we need real world solutions for fighting zombies. Here's what I think we should do. Seduce them.

Not for sex though, have you seen zombies? Nasty. I'd rather get with Charlie Weiss. Actually, there's no way that's true. Here's how we seduce them....Doritos. Yes! Doritos. How could anyone (even a zombie) want to eat aything else after tasting a Dorito? Any flavor of Dorito for that matter. They're all delicious!!! The name Doritos translated means "little bits of gold" for god's sake! There's no way they can resist! I'm currently drafting my thesis and sending it to the University of Ottawa right now. If they write back and mention anything about dipping Doritos in gravy so help me I will just lose it! But I suppose if Doritos don't work (of course they will) then we can always call up the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency.

UPDATE: I succombed to the chocolate cake and it's delicious. Keegsy you monster!!!

Twiharder Blog: I Blacked Out and Woke Up Next to a Pumpkin

My friend Shelley, okay we haven't actually met, but we're on a Twilight email chain and that's practically the same thing. Look, I have tons of friends okay so shut up. Anyway, she's clearly gifted in the art of makin' sexy pumpkins. Is it me, or do you want to run your fingers through that jack o' latern's hair? No? Oh I know me neither. That shit is for weirdos. winky face.

Advice Blog: Sometimes I Straight Make Shit Up

As you can probably tell, I like to give all sorts of advice. Sometimes I even give advice on subjects I know absolutely nothing about. My friends, this is one of those times.

How to find a husband 101. Often girls just don't know what steps to take to get themselves a quality significant other. Well lucky for you I've made all sorts of irrational assumptions on how to find your soulmate.

The Seven Ways to Getchu a Husband:

1. Know your pop culture references - You never know when you might be in a position to impress a celebrity chef with your knowlege of Chris Isaac music. By the way, his one hit is "Wicked Games." Keep that around for a rainy day.

2. Know a rap song - I mean every word. Sure, you might not think there's a correlation between Vanilla Ice and gettin' you a husband, but that's why you read this blog. If you know all the words to a song like "Ice, Ice Baby." Dudes are impressed. I mean really impressed. My friend Kara could have been dressed in a monkey costume drinking a banana daiquiri and she still would've gotten lucky after her Vanilla Ice performance. Actually, maybe next time she should wear a monkey costume then it would qualify as performance art.

3. Motorcycle jackets are a good idea - Oddly enough, dudes are completely impressed by a motorcycle jacket. Especially, if you're wearing it with a dress. It gives the impression you're saucy even if you're a total prude like some lame blog writers. Keep in mind that there's definitely potential for complications depending on what bar you're at. I might have been hit on by a female baby boomer and a dude named Armando. Rock Bar is a really odd place and I recommed you go there with at least three fake names under your belt.

4. Dance on the speakers - I personally don't subscribe to this, but some other bloggers do. Here's the trick though. If you're wearing a sweater and jeans the point will be lost on your audience. I recommend at least a romper if you're going for the breaking it down on a speaker route. I don't care if you're riding a bike that night. Think about it....romper + bike helmet = looooooooove.

5. Throw out an unexpected dance move - You wanna turn some heads. Then you throw out some chicken wing, some stanky leg, the harlem shake or depending on how pc you are, maybe even the wheelchair. Dudes and chicks will be impressed and if you're lucky...a fuckin dance off! If you beat a guy at a dance off he'll be picturing what your kids will look like before the new Britney Spears comes on.

6. For God's sake rehearse your jokes in your head - you never know when your incessant need to be hilarious will infact make you look like a complete moron. I'm not going into specifics, but IT stands for Information Technology. I hate all of you.

7. Be AWESOME at karaoke - I saw a couple on a date this weekend, and I'm pretty sure the guy picked out a ring in his head when the chick rocked some Gladys Knight. It's almost too easy.

You see ladies, with these simple tips you'll be on your way to wedded bliss in no time. Seriously, if you actually meet a guy using any of these techniques I should not only be invited to your wedding, but also allowed to sing Bobby Brown's "Ain't Nobody Humpin' Around " during your vows. Don't ask, just say yes.

30 Rock Blog: Gay Magic + Unicorns + Pixie Dust + Kittens = 30 Rock Premiere Tonight!

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!

If you're like me you woke up very energized and a little gassy. But that's only because I was nervous excited, I'm still a lady. Today is the Season 4 premiere of 30 Rock, my favorite show and the best show ever. I have impecable taste so I have no doubt those terms are not mutually exclusive.

Tina Fey was on Letterman last night and was naturally hilarious. Fun Fact: She was a virgin until 24. Another Fun Fact: Tina, starfish I love you!

Love Makin Blog: Not in My Backyard (It's Funny Because I Don't Have One)

The esteemed journalist Perez Hilton has opened my eyes to possibly one of the scariest websites I've ever heard of. ijustmadelove.com is a website where people can plug in (pun intended) where, when, and how they last go.it.on.

Well the good news is that people in Eastern Europe are getting it on like crazy and are TOTALLY willing to take the time to plug their exploits into a website. I'm not sure why this is a good idea or why anyone would care where people are getting it on. I do know this though. I'm looking at Cape Coral, FL and it's lookin bus-ay. Actually, there's not one post. Apparently, there's a certain newlywed couple that haven't told the world the specifics. What's the matter guys? Oh, I guess you want to be all private about it. Fine, but just know that Eastern Europe disagrees with you.

But just in case you need some inspiration

Twiharder Blog: Rob, Baby, We Could Be So Good Together.

Let's just get right to the point.

This

That

...and this.

Thank you for your time.

30 Rock Thursday (Friday) Blog: My Mindgrapes Just Got Juicier

I have never once considered joining Twitter. I have no idea how it even works and I can't even come up with clever Facebook statuses. Sorry folks, but your kid having the flu isn't remotely interesting. Grocery shopping isn't either, and your kids birthdays, and...oh god so many things.

Well, facebook ranting is for another post. We're talking about Twitter today. Specifically, the fact that, thanks to http://www.twacy.org/, Tracy Morgan is now on Twitter and I think I just might follow him. He's about the only celebrity I can think of that I'm ok listening to 24/7. Is it weird that a website was devoted to get him to join Twitter? Absolutely not!

And here's why:

"The wait is over! The black Svengali has arrived! I'm on the street turning good girls bad and getting them pregnant!!!"

or

"Im a good parent so ill induce the labor"

He's only been on Twitter since yesterday and there's more where that come from.

Thank you http://www.twacy.org/. You've certainly provided a great service to the world. Why the Nobel Peace Prize went to President Obama instead of the organization OMGICU, well, I'll just never know. Although this guy truly deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. If a bacon AK47 can't to stop nuclear proliferation then God help us all.

Irritational Blog Hatred: I'll Shank You for a Quarter Pounder

Have you ever seen something so beautiful?

I don't like people that don't like fast food. There I said it. When I meet a new person and the words " Oh, I don't eat fast food" come out of their mouth. That's it, we're never going to be friends. We're never going to be friends because I HATE them. I hate them because they think they're better than me because they don't eat fast food which is completely ludacris (yeah the rapper). They're missing out on a plethora of deliciousness just to make themselves feel better. They're missing chicken nuggets, french fries, various versions of the cheeseburger, a milkshake or two, and the entire Taco Bell menu. I just can't get down with that.

Ashley Tisdale gets Fast Food and look how happy she is.

No? Actually I just remembered I don't like this girl because she's skinny and famous.

Whatever, I can see her muffin top from here. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch The Biggest Loser and build my self esteem back up. Oops! There goes my pants button. Son of a...

Advice Blog: Getchu a Turkey

Bowling is the straight up shit. I'm not sure why it's not more popular. I probably wonder this because it's one of the few sports (yes, sport, don't you test me) I'm even decent at. Truthfully, I could mame you in a game of bowling, but I'm just being modest here. It's because I'm a nice person. Just ask anyone who's ever met me. Especially, that stupid teenaged kid I met at my doorstep last Friday night. He probably stole my phone because I looked like a real fucking sweetheart. Fucking punk stupid mother...

Ehem. Yes, bowling right? Sorry, sometimes you can't stop the crazy. For God's sake did you see my last post? No seriously, I'm buying bear mace this weekend so that kid better pray to God I never see him again.

Sooooo...here's the best thing about bowling. You are in complete control. If you have a bad game it's your fault. I'm thinking I might just do this instead of watching sports altogether. Mainly because my sports teams are terrible and all they do is torture me. I'm looking right at you Florida State...

Bowling isn't all fun and games though, especially if you're trying to hit on someone. Here's the advice portion of my blog. If you're planning on making a move...make sure you can actually bowl. This means having the physical ability to stay upright when you bowl. I'm not going to mention any names (Irish), but I know a certain someone (rhymes with fin) who slid right down a bowling lane, got up, looked at the object of her affection and said, "two ciders and a beer and I'm down the pin courts!" Making up the word "pin courts" aside, well, let's just say that didn't exactly lead to an automatic p in the v.

Twiharder Blog: Bloody Ridiculous Gloss

Do you want to look like you just sucked blood from some hot teenager? Of course you do. Who wouldn't?

I have good news then. Lip Venom is debuting a Twilight Lip Venom called Lip Venom V. It mixes a lip plumping serum (plasma?) and a red lip stain. The idea is that you "shake well before applying to represent the blending of the human and vampire worlds." Flynn passed this product on to me because she knows how long I've been trying to blend the two worlds. Blending worlds is sort of a hobby of mine. I try to do it at least once a month. This month I'm attempting to blend the unicorn and platypus to make a "Unipus." I hope it goes better than when I blended a Triceratops and platypus and made a "Triapus."

Oh yeah...I went there.

High School Reunion Blog: Part One, "Oh My God! So What are You Doing Now?!"

Purple! White! Let's...Oh god, I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

...and i think it's regret.

For some reason that completely escapes me now, I attended my 10 year highschool reunion at the end of September. I'm not going to lie. I had some delusions of grandeur. My reunion wouldn't be that bad, in fact, I was pretty fuckin cool in highschool so I should have a TON of fun. Everyone will know who I am and people who thought they were too cool to be friends with me ten years ago will bow down to my somewhat improved looks and outrageous sense of humor. Yes! I can't wait!

But I was quickly knocked down a peg or two...or ten. Turns out I didn't know anyone in highschool. Not one person.

well at least I didn't on the first night, "the cocktail night." Through a moronic pact my friend Shawn and I made, we were forced to go to both reunion events. Maybe Shawn had the same delusions I did. Well, he actually knew people at the cocktail night so he was already about 100 steps ahead of me. I spent the hour and a half I was at the cocktail hour hugging mortal enemies, making awkward conversation, and drinking heavily. Sometimes, for maximum effect, I even combined all three. Oh yeah, did I mention sweating? Because I was doing a lot of that too. The reunion organizers forgot they had air conditioned buildings in Florida so they scheduled all festivities at outdoor bars. It was really annoying at the time, but now I know why they did it...to break our spirits early.

The bar even made the class of '99 a special drink that night. It was called "Panther Punch." Our mascot was the Purple Panther so it was bascially a combination of purple kool-aid and vodka. Soooo...basically a version of Purple Drank. Minus the cough syrup of course. In a pathetic attempt to play along with the reunion I ordered one. After I took a sip I turned to the girl next to me (one of the more popular girls in my class) and said, "mmmmmm, grapey!" Judging by the reaction of awkward amusement at my lack of social skills, I'm going to assume that was my high point of the night.

The next two hours are sort of a blur of bad karaoke, a 60 year old woman in a see through lace top, and an attempt to go to Chili's. This is Ft. Myers, FL so the sweet places to hangout are all...well, frankly, they don't exist. Luckily for the group of people I was with, I had insider knowledge (meaning I called them) that Fridays would be opened until 2am. Well thank god for that.

Here's what I learned at Friday's:
1. Don't go there...not ever.
2. Don't ever drink something called a mind eraser.
3. Don't attempt 30 Rock quotes while nervous drinking, they're just too complicated.
4. You can't avoid the inevitable "why didn't you call me?" situation.
5. My friend Nicole is still one of the coolest chicks I know.
6. That guy that used to terrify me in high school is actually very nice.
7. You can't get rid of the drunk hiccups by drinking beer faster.
8. I should never have gone to my high school reunion...

Music Video Blog: 30 Rock Style

The season premiere of 30 Rock will soon be here and if that doesn't warrant a dance party then I don't know what does. For this edition of 30 Rock Thursday, I decided to post one of my favorite music moments from the show. This is because it's awesome and because I wanna DANCE...in my office...at work. My plan is to burst into my boss's office to the tune of "muffin top" and then ask for a raise right after I finish the song. I figure I'll aim high while he's still impressed. Personally, I think it's a flawless plan. Especially, because my boss has always laughed at my jokes, and not stared at me blankly like I just lit the financials on fire.

Just in case you want to do the same thing. Who could blame you?


Muffin Top - Funny bloopers are a click away

Binge Blog: No Fatties

There's a new tactic to stay trim ladies. It's called drinking...heavily and for long periods of time. All this time I thought it was alcohol that made me gain weight, I was dead wrong. It's all that stupid food! I feel like an idiot. Thank god for this important piece of journalism.

Alcohol abuse boosts body image.

Drunkorexia? This article makes skipping meals to save calories and money sound like a bad thing. It's not, it leads to good decision making and straight A's. Not to mention you'll be all hot and skinny.

Like this sweet little piece.

That's what I call staying ahead of the curve. Good for you skinny legs...good for you. Now someone get this girl a gin and Dexatrim STAT!