Airport Blog: Oh Hai Houston!

For some reason my travels lately have required a couple of brief stops in Texas. Today, I'm in Houston. The birthplace of the Accidental Blogger. That's right, on April 25, 1981, my mother gave birth to a baby so large that they thought I was twins. The doctor thought my butt was an entirely separate baby. And you wonder why I have such high self esteem.

I'm attempting to take in the State of Texas while walking through the Houston Airport.

Here's what I have so far:

1) The people aren't nearly as fat as I assumed they were. Everyone says Houston is full of fatties. I thought I was going to exit the plane and find the last five seasons of The Biggest Loser all sitting together eating ribs. Well they aren't. I had spaghetti for lunch.

2) Texas likes to take things that already exist and rename them to make them more Texas-y. I just left a chocolate shop where a company took some chocolate caramel clusters and called them Longhorns. Naturally, I bought some and immediately put five in my mouth. To support Texas of course.

3) Oh hey a bar!

Advice Blog: Sometimes I Straight Make Shit Up

As you can probably tell, I like to give all sorts of advice. Sometimes I even give advice on subjects I know absolutely nothing about. My friends, this is one of those times.

How to find a husband 101. Often girls just don't know what steps to take to get themselves a quality significant other. Well lucky for you I've made all sorts of irrational assumptions on how to find your soulmate.

The Seven Ways to Getchu a Husband:

1. Know your pop culture references - You never know when you might be in a position to impress a celebrity chef with your knowlege of Chris Isaac music. By the way, his one hit is "Wicked Games." Keep that around for a rainy day.

2. Know a rap song - I mean every word. Sure, you might not think there's a correlation between Vanilla Ice and gettin' you a husband, but that's why you read this blog. If you know all the words to a song like "Ice, Ice Baby." Dudes are impressed. I mean really impressed. My friend Kara could have been dressed in a monkey costume drinking a banana daiquiri and she still would've gotten lucky after her Vanilla Ice performance. Actually, maybe next time she should wear a monkey costume then it would qualify as performance art.

3. Motorcycle jackets are a good idea - Oddly enough, dudes are completely impressed by a motorcycle jacket. Especially, if you're wearing it with a dress. It gives the impression you're saucy even if you're a total prude like some lame blog writers. Keep in mind that there's definitely potential for complications depending on what bar you're at. I might have been hit on by a female baby boomer and a dude named Armando. Rock Bar is a really odd place and I recommed you go there with at least three fake names under your belt.

4. Dance on the speakers - I personally don't subscribe to this, but some other bloggers do. Here's the trick though. If you're wearing a sweater and jeans the point will be lost on your audience. I recommend at least a romper if you're going for the breaking it down on a speaker route. I don't care if you're riding a bike that night. Think about it....romper + bike helmet = looooooooove.

5. Throw out an unexpected dance move - You wanna turn some heads. Then you throw out some chicken wing, some stanky leg, the harlem shake or depending on how pc you are, maybe even the wheelchair. Dudes and chicks will be impressed and if you're lucky...a fuckin dance off! If you beat a guy at a dance off he'll be picturing what your kids will look like before the new Britney Spears comes on.

6. For God's sake rehearse your jokes in your head - you never know when your incessant need to be hilarious will infact make you look like a complete moron. I'm not going into specifics, but IT stands for Information Technology. I hate all of you.

7. Be AWESOME at karaoke - I saw a couple on a date this weekend, and I'm pretty sure the guy picked out a ring in his head when the chick rocked some Gladys Knight. It's almost too easy.

You see ladies, with these simple tips you'll be on your way to wedded bliss in no time. Seriously, if you actually meet a guy using any of these techniques I should not only be invited to your wedding, but also allowed to sing Bobby Brown's "Ain't Nobody Humpin' Around " during your vows. Don't ask, just say yes.

Binge Blog: No Fatties

There's a new tactic to stay trim ladies. It's called drinking...heavily and for long periods of time. All this time I thought it was alcohol that made me gain weight, I was dead wrong. It's all that stupid food! I feel like an idiot. Thank god for this important piece of journalism.

Alcohol abuse boosts body image.

Drunkorexia? This article makes skipping meals to save calories and money sound like a bad thing. It's not, it leads to good decision making and straight A's. Not to mention you'll be all hot and skinny.

Like this sweet little piece.

That's what I call staying ahead of the curve. Good for you skinny legs...good for you. Now someone get this girl a gin and Dexatrim STAT!