Meat Blog: Dolla Dolla Ribs Y'all!

We're not gonna talk about dating in this post. I've given up. Even my therapist has made subtle jabs at how bad I am at it. She makes fun of me and then I pay her. It's how our sessions go.

I've been a vegetarian for about four months now and I don't often look back. But, this morning, oh this morning I saw what will truly be my white whale.

Brothers BBQ has dollar ribs on Thursdays.

I can eat some mother fuckin ribs people. I've been known to take out a rack and a half faster than you can say, "Hey, you got sauce on your boobs." And I like all kinds of ribs...all kinds...spare, baby back, beef! What's that ribs? You don't have plans for Valentines Day? Well, how about I slip into something a little more comfortable, and you and I have a night in with some baked beans and coleslaw. All you got to do is bring some sweet tea and your delicous ass.

Best Date Ever

Lament Blog: NPH, You Look Good in a Suit

I'm currently watching the People's Choice Awards and so far I'm pretty disgusted at what I see. The jokes on the show are really bad...and this is coming from a girl who laughed out loud at the joke "What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? Dam." F you I hadn't heard it before...and I was drunk. It was free bloody mary day on Southwest! What am I supposed to NOT order one?

Tiger Woods jokes? It's like you're not even trying, People's Choice Awards. How are actors so unfunny?

Well, through all the bad jokes, mediocre movies winning awards, and a drunk Mariah Carey, a How I Met Your Mother preview came on and all was right with the world. Until, I remembered that Neil Patrick Harris is gay and will never love me. Now I'm weeping in a corner of my apartment and drinking balsamic vinegar (I didn't have any wine and I figured it was close enough). Turns out it doesn't get you drunk, but it still makes you look like you have wine mouth.

Yeah, dream on all the NOT dudes.

In a perfect world I would be out in a desert in the middle east and I would come across a lamp. I would think to myself, "hmmmm, this lamp looks kinda dirty." Then I would rub it and a holy shit a genie would come flying out! This is my scenario, so the genie will actually be Robert Downy Jr. RDJ will say, "hello beautiful young lady, I'm your genie and I will grant you three wishes."

Yeah I've though about this.

Three wishes:

1. Neil Patrick Harris no longer likes dudes
2. He falls in love with me
3. Well, the genie is RDJ sooooo devil's threesome?

Am I being too greedy? FINE, world peace then.

Return From Christmas Vacation Blog: Farts

I've returned from the elderly and humid state of Florida to the young and spry state of Colorado. Hey, guess what productive things I've done since I've been back. Slept, watched TV, and, naturally, I've killed at some karaoke. Have I unpacked? No. Have I cleaned my house? Nope. Did I order $19 worth of Thai food so I wouldn't have to leave my apartment today? Yes. Am I on msn.com right now reading bartender tips on how to pick up someone in a bar? Yes. Will I ever be successful in utilizing these tips? Define success.

Well, I did pay a parking ticket today so I got that going for me.

Twiharder Blog: Let's Go Ahead and Talk Crazy

Maybe it's my inherent laziness (let's be honest here, it's not pride or self respect), but I would never be so devoted to something that I would camp out on the streets of Los Angeles for five days. That's what the real twihards did for the New Moon premiere. They camped out to catch a glimpse of Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, that punky chick, and the dude who plays the thick vampire. These fans are nuts. They have signs that say "Team whatever I can get" and "Jacob Black: I'd hit that with a Volvo." They do crazy things like asking the cast to sign their underwear. A mother of one of the teenage fans actually did that. Now of course, outwardly, I say all of these girls are out of their minds and should totally get a life . But secretly, were I to attend a premiere, I like to think a conversation between Robert Pattinson and myself would go something like this.

Scene begins at the New Moon premiere in London, England.

Robert Patterson strolls by me on the red carpet. I speak to him as calm and collected as ever. Also, I'm dressed in an evening gown, looking fabulous and wealthy. There's probably a wind machine too.
Me: "Oh hi Robert, I'm a big fan of yours." my voice smooth like chocolate, and fuck it, I have a British accent. He nods and turns to walk away, but even though he's ravaged by crazed fans, he's unable to take his eyes off me. Did I mention I'm literally glowing?
Robert:  "Oh hello, it's nice to meet you. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name."
Me: "Oh, names aren't important here, Rob. Can I call you Rob?"
Robert: "Of course. I don't know why, Miss, but I have this strange feeling that I've been waiting for you my whole life."
I look down, pretending to be surprised, but I think we all saw this coming.
Me: "Oh Rob, that's so flattering, but don't you need to get to your movie now?"
Robert: "I don't care about the movie anymore. I just need to be with you."
Me: "But what about Kristen?"
Robert: "Who?"

END SCENE

Fine, you're right, I'm no better than the Team Jacob underwear wearing mom. But if I had a wind machine, I can't think of a better use for it.

Grown Up Blog: When Did This Happen?

I just came to a realization. I'm an adult.

Don't believe me? I'm in a book club. Name a kid that's in a book club, and watching Reading Rainbow doesn't count. Yeah, that's right, you can't. In book club we have in depth discussions about actual books.We don't even get that drunk at book club. I'm hoping to change that when I host next month. What signature drink is more adult? Manhattan or Tom Collins? Only adults serve signature drinks.

Also, I watch CBS comedies and I think they're funny. I'm still grappling with that one. There's nothing cool about saying the phrase "Oh that Old Christine is at it again!" or thinking to myself maybe I should give that NCIS: Los Angeles a shot. I probably should give it a shot, it's the adult thing to do.

Another adult thing. I hang out with couples. Yeah, odd numbers are the best numbers. I do things in groups of three, five or seven.  I'm invited to dinners and offered opportunities to go on bike rides. Maybe next week I'll go to a farmer's market. Whose a fucking adult now? Me that's who.

I just laughed at a line from "The Big Bang Theory." Confession: I laughed at two lines. Great, next stop is  family game night with my cat Sophie. This whole being an adult thing just got real.

Happy Halloween Blog: Tryin' to Get to Yooooou and that ...Monkey?

Happy Halloween! And what do we have here? A little nurse, a doctor, a witch, and a vampire. Great costumes kids. Spooky! Hey, here's comes the McKenzie's! I wonder what they're going to be this year.

Wait...Oh God.

No, this is not okay. I'm all upset now. I was going to write a nice halloween blog about family, candy and togetherness, but this is just too much. Take the worst family Halloween costume and multiply it by one hundred and it maybe, just maybe, it might equal the dysfunction in this picture. The kids have genitalia. I don't even know what to write. This is what I get for waiting until 10 am to start drinking. Idiot!!!

Wedding Blog: Yeah Fucking Right

You are formally invited to the wedding of
Ms. Ashley Tisdale to Mr. Kyle Schimdt
The ceremony will be held at the Cathedral in Kyle's head
on the 11th day of fucking never.
The lovely couple is registered at Bath, Bed, and Beyond.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the delusional marriage between Kyle Schmidt and Ashley Tisdale. How do I know Kyle is young? Becuase he wants to bone marry one of the chicks from High School Musical. Although, I wouldn't knock that Zack Efron out of bed so I guess that makes me young at heart. *coughs*

Ahhh young love. I remember when I wanted to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Yeah JTT and I could've really been something. That whole "celebrity thing" and "not knowing who I am" really got in the way of our relationship. He's an amazing actor though. Remember when he was in The Lion King. He was the baby lion. Sigh...meOW.

Advice Blog: Sometimes I Straight Make Shit Up

As you can probably tell, I like to give all sorts of advice. Sometimes I even give advice on subjects I know absolutely nothing about. My friends, this is one of those times.

How to find a husband 101. Often girls just don't know what steps to take to get themselves a quality significant other. Well lucky for you I've made all sorts of irrational assumptions on how to find your soulmate.

The Seven Ways to Getchu a Husband:

1. Know your pop culture references - You never know when you might be in a position to impress a celebrity chef with your knowlege of Chris Isaac music. By the way, his one hit is "Wicked Games." Keep that around for a rainy day.

2. Know a rap song - I mean every word. Sure, you might not think there's a correlation between Vanilla Ice and gettin' you a husband, but that's why you read this blog. If you know all the words to a song like "Ice, Ice Baby." Dudes are impressed. I mean really impressed. My friend Kara could have been dressed in a monkey costume drinking a banana daiquiri and she still would've gotten lucky after her Vanilla Ice performance. Actually, maybe next time she should wear a monkey costume then it would qualify as performance art.

3. Motorcycle jackets are a good idea - Oddly enough, dudes are completely impressed by a motorcycle jacket. Especially, if you're wearing it with a dress. It gives the impression you're saucy even if you're a total prude like some lame blog writers. Keep in mind that there's definitely potential for complications depending on what bar you're at. I might have been hit on by a female baby boomer and a dude named Armando. Rock Bar is a really odd place and I recommed you go there with at least three fake names under your belt.

4. Dance on the speakers - I personally don't subscribe to this, but some other bloggers do. Here's the trick though. If you're wearing a sweater and jeans the point will be lost on your audience. I recommend at least a romper if you're going for the breaking it down on a speaker route. I don't care if you're riding a bike that night. Think about it....romper + bike helmet = looooooooove.

5. Throw out an unexpected dance move - You wanna turn some heads. Then you throw out some chicken wing, some stanky leg, the harlem shake or depending on how pc you are, maybe even the wheelchair. Dudes and chicks will be impressed and if you're lucky...a fuckin dance off! If you beat a guy at a dance off he'll be picturing what your kids will look like before the new Britney Spears comes on.

6. For God's sake rehearse your jokes in your head - you never know when your incessant need to be hilarious will infact make you look like a complete moron. I'm not going into specifics, but IT stands for Information Technology. I hate all of you.

7. Be AWESOME at karaoke - I saw a couple on a date this weekend, and I'm pretty sure the guy picked out a ring in his head when the chick rocked some Gladys Knight. It's almost too easy.

You see ladies, with these simple tips you'll be on your way to wedded bliss in no time. Seriously, if you actually meet a guy using any of these techniques I should not only be invited to your wedding, but also allowed to sing Bobby Brown's "Ain't Nobody Humpin' Around " during your vows. Don't ask, just say yes.

Love Makin Blog: Not in My Backyard (It's Funny Because I Don't Have One)

The esteemed journalist Perez Hilton has opened my eyes to possibly one of the scariest websites I've ever heard of. ijustmadelove.com is a website where people can plug in (pun intended) where, when, and how they last go.it.on.

Well the good news is that people in Eastern Europe are getting it on like crazy and are TOTALLY willing to take the time to plug their exploits into a website. I'm not sure why this is a good idea or why anyone would care where people are getting it on. I do know this though. I'm looking at Cape Coral, FL and it's lookin bus-ay. Actually, there's not one post. Apparently, there's a certain newlywed couple that haven't told the world the specifics. What's the matter guys? Oh, I guess you want to be all private about it. Fine, but just know that Eastern Europe disagrees with you.

But just in case you need some inspiration

Twiharder Blog: Bloody Ridiculous Gloss

Do you want to look like you just sucked blood from some hot teenager? Of course you do. Who wouldn't?

I have good news then. Lip Venom is debuting a Twilight Lip Venom called Lip Venom V. It mixes a lip plumping serum (plasma?) and a red lip stain. The idea is that you "shake well before applying to represent the blending of the human and vampire worlds." Flynn passed this product on to me because she knows how long I've been trying to blend the two worlds. Blending worlds is sort of a hobby of mine. I try to do it at least once a month. This month I'm attempting to blend the unicorn and platypus to make a "Unipus." I hope it goes better than when I blended a Triceratops and platypus and made a "Triapus."

Oh yeah...I went there.