Advice Blog: Rule #48, You Get MY Blessing Suckas

It's been too long. I wrote this post and then left it sitting lonely and sad like a kitten without another kitten.  I'm sorry blog readers. It won't happen again. Now on to the post.

Ok, family, we need to talk. We need to talk about your inability to match make. We also need to talk about your inability to follow the rules. The most important rule being, if you're going to set MY sister up with someone you get them approved by ME first. Seems simple enough doesn't it. Well, that important step was skipped this last thanksgiving, and because of your carelessness, family, tragedy ensued.

What kind of tragedy? It's hard to talk about. But for you I will. Here's the thing, my poor, darling, innocent  sister wore a fabulous outfit that day and DIDN'T make a love connection. She was devasted! Think of the children! Think of when she could wear that outfit again! Wow, I wasn't sure I could even say it out loud, but for the sake of the blog, I had to. Sometimes we find our strength for these important occasions, no? The only other time I found this kind of strength was when I bravely fought through several angry voice mails from said sister after waking up from a tequila drinking contest. I won, so everyone just calm down

Let's get down to brass tacks. Frankly, I've pretty much hated every guy my sister has ever dated. Except for the 40 year old dude. He was a nice guy. Alas, the issue in their relationship was numerical and for another post. Here's my point. Wouldn't you maybe, just maybe, run the dude by me first? At least give me the chance to say I hate him BEFORE he starts dating my sister. It will just save everyone time here. Let's save the setting up of my sibling until Christmas when I'm in the same state at least. But in case of emergency, I've devised a simple check list for you.

1. Does he have a job?
2. Is he under the age of 30?
3. Does he have any illegitimate children?
4. Does he have a criminal background?
5. Does he have any affiliation with Florida, Miami, or Ohio State?

All I'm asking is for two yes's and three no's. Sadly, when it comes to my sister's ex-boyfriends this is a hell of a lot easier said than done. And truthfully, family, if you set her up with a dude successfully, it would be an adorable story. I would even venture to say romantic. That is, if I wasn't already dead inside.

Advice Blog: Sometimes I Straight Make Shit Up

As you can probably tell, I like to give all sorts of advice. Sometimes I even give advice on subjects I know absolutely nothing about. My friends, this is one of those times.

How to find a husband 101. Often girls just don't know what steps to take to get themselves a quality significant other. Well lucky for you I've made all sorts of irrational assumptions on how to find your soulmate.

The Seven Ways to Getchu a Husband:

1. Know your pop culture references - You never know when you might be in a position to impress a celebrity chef with your knowlege of Chris Isaac music. By the way, his one hit is "Wicked Games." Keep that around for a rainy day.

2. Know a rap song - I mean every word. Sure, you might not think there's a correlation between Vanilla Ice and gettin' you a husband, but that's why you read this blog. If you know all the words to a song like "Ice, Ice Baby." Dudes are impressed. I mean really impressed. My friend Kara could have been dressed in a monkey costume drinking a banana daiquiri and she still would've gotten lucky after her Vanilla Ice performance. Actually, maybe next time she should wear a monkey costume then it would qualify as performance art.

3. Motorcycle jackets are a good idea - Oddly enough, dudes are completely impressed by a motorcycle jacket. Especially, if you're wearing it with a dress. It gives the impression you're saucy even if you're a total prude like some lame blog writers. Keep in mind that there's definitely potential for complications depending on what bar you're at. I might have been hit on by a female baby boomer and a dude named Armando. Rock Bar is a really odd place and I recommed you go there with at least three fake names under your belt.

4. Dance on the speakers - I personally don't subscribe to this, but some other bloggers do. Here's the trick though. If you're wearing a sweater and jeans the point will be lost on your audience. I recommend at least a romper if you're going for the breaking it down on a speaker route. I don't care if you're riding a bike that night. Think about it....romper + bike helmet = looooooooove.

5. Throw out an unexpected dance move - You wanna turn some heads. Then you throw out some chicken wing, some stanky leg, the harlem shake or depending on how pc you are, maybe even the wheelchair. Dudes and chicks will be impressed and if you're lucky...a fuckin dance off! If you beat a guy at a dance off he'll be picturing what your kids will look like before the new Britney Spears comes on.

6. For God's sake rehearse your jokes in your head - you never know when your incessant need to be hilarious will infact make you look like a complete moron. I'm not going into specifics, but IT stands for Information Technology. I hate all of you.

7. Be AWESOME at karaoke - I saw a couple on a date this weekend, and I'm pretty sure the guy picked out a ring in his head when the chick rocked some Gladys Knight. It's almost too easy.

You see ladies, with these simple tips you'll be on your way to wedded bliss in no time. Seriously, if you actually meet a guy using any of these techniques I should not only be invited to your wedding, but also allowed to sing Bobby Brown's "Ain't Nobody Humpin' Around " during your vows. Don't ask, just say yes.