Advice Blog: Rule #48, You Get MY Blessing Suckas

It's been too long. I wrote this post and then left it sitting lonely and sad like a kitten without another kitten.  I'm sorry blog readers. It won't happen again. Now on to the post.

Ok, family, we need to talk. We need to talk about your inability to match make. We also need to talk about your inability to follow the rules. The most important rule being, if you're going to set MY sister up with someone you get them approved by ME first. Seems simple enough doesn't it. Well, that important step was skipped this last thanksgiving, and because of your carelessness, family, tragedy ensued.

What kind of tragedy? It's hard to talk about. But for you I will. Here's the thing, my poor, darling, innocent  sister wore a fabulous outfit that day and DIDN'T make a love connection. She was devasted! Think of the children! Think of when she could wear that outfit again! Wow, I wasn't sure I could even say it out loud, but for the sake of the blog, I had to. Sometimes we find our strength for these important occasions, no? The only other time I found this kind of strength was when I bravely fought through several angry voice mails from said sister after waking up from a tequila drinking contest. I won, so everyone just calm down

Let's get down to brass tacks. Frankly, I've pretty much hated every guy my sister has ever dated. Except for the 40 year old dude. He was a nice guy. Alas, the issue in their relationship was numerical and for another post. Here's my point. Wouldn't you maybe, just maybe, run the dude by me first? At least give me the chance to say I hate him BEFORE he starts dating my sister. It will just save everyone time here. Let's save the setting up of my sibling until Christmas when I'm in the same state at least. But in case of emergency, I've devised a simple check list for you.

1. Does he have a job?
2. Is he under the age of 30?
3. Does he have any illegitimate children?
4. Does he have a criminal background?
5. Does he have any affiliation with Florida, Miami, or Ohio State?

All I'm asking is for two yes's and three no's. Sadly, when it comes to my sister's ex-boyfriends this is a hell of a lot easier said than done. And truthfully, family, if you set her up with a dude successfully, it would be an adorable story. I would even venture to say romantic. That is, if I wasn't already dead inside.

Advice Blog: Lessons from Boz Scaggs

The Art of the Perfect Karaoke Song.

I don't consider myself an expert in many things. Ok that's a lie, I know pretty much everything. But I have a particular expertise in choosing a good karaoke song. Before you get too green with envy know that this didn't happen overnight. This particular skill set has taken years to perfect. Along the way there's been many a misstep. For example, there was the great Tracy Chapman catastrophe of 2008, or the David Bowie Space Odyssey disaster in the same year. If you thought Hurricane Katrina was bad... well then you've never heard me attempt "Fast Car." I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. It’s just not okay to let your friends even think about attempting “Red Light Special.”

There are several rules to go by when picking out a karaoke song:

1. Don't pick a slow song: It's just going to drag everyone down if you sing "Dust in the Wind." It won't be funny and you're not Will Ferrell.

2. Sing a song you actually know the words to: Sure singing R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It" seems like a fantastic idea on the surface, but trust me, you don't know the words and you're going to look like an idiot. No one likes to watch you struggle on stage.

3. Don't Sing Journey, Bon Jovi, or Neil Diamond before ten o' clock: Look, there might be people that disagree with me on this, but those people are drunks. These are peak songs and you can't just bring them out all willy-nilly. If you're going to be a douche, sing John Mayer. Also, it's ok to sing Neil Diamond songs that aren't "Sweet Caroline." Why don't more people sing "Coming to America?" That song would rule at karaoke!

4. F Bombs are totally OK to throw into a song: I don't care if you're performing a duet with your grandma. If there's an instrumental pause, you throw in those f bombs. Jon Griffin gave one of the best karaoke performances of all time singing Mambo #5. And it's all thanks to the F bomb. If Miley Cyrus was even remotely talented she would have told her fans to “fucking deal with it” a long time ago.

5. Don't bite off more than you can chew: I'm looking at everyone who's even thought about doing Whitney and Mariah. I'm guilty of this myself, and you can pull off pretty much anything with a few sweet dance moves and an f bomb. But let's leave these ladies to the talented people. This goes double for the people that pick slow Mariah and Whitney (Hero, I Will Always Love You). Are you bloody insane?! That's breaking two cardinal karaoke rules. L.J., you keep doing as much early Whitney as you want. You're one of the talented ones.

6. Keep an open mind: This is kinda vague I know, but if you see a peppy song you like that is not by any of the artists listed above and you happen to know the words. Give it a shot. You would be extremely surprised at how well Annie Lennox goes over at karaoke. And Toto's Africa...I did.not.see.that.shit.coming.

...but I should have because I'm a goddamn professional.