Advice Blog: Lessons from Boz Scaggs

The Art of the Perfect Karaoke Song.

I don't consider myself an expert in many things. Ok that's a lie, I know pretty much everything. But I have a particular expertise in choosing a good karaoke song. Before you get too green with envy know that this didn't happen overnight. This particular skill set has taken years to perfect. Along the way there's been many a misstep. For example, there was the great Tracy Chapman catastrophe of 2008, or the David Bowie Space Odyssey disaster in the same year. If you thought Hurricane Katrina was bad... well then you've never heard me attempt "Fast Car." I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. It’s just not okay to let your friends even think about attempting “Red Light Special.”

There are several rules to go by when picking out a karaoke song:

1. Don't pick a slow song: It's just going to drag everyone down if you sing "Dust in the Wind." It won't be funny and you're not Will Ferrell.

2. Sing a song you actually know the words to: Sure singing R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It" seems like a fantastic idea on the surface, but trust me, you don't know the words and you're going to look like an idiot. No one likes to watch you struggle on stage.

3. Don't Sing Journey, Bon Jovi, or Neil Diamond before ten o' clock: Look, there might be people that disagree with me on this, but those people are drunks. These are peak songs and you can't just bring them out all willy-nilly. If you're going to be a douche, sing John Mayer. Also, it's ok to sing Neil Diamond songs that aren't "Sweet Caroline." Why don't more people sing "Coming to America?" That song would rule at karaoke!

4. F Bombs are totally OK to throw into a song: I don't care if you're performing a duet with your grandma. If there's an instrumental pause, you throw in those f bombs. Jon Griffin gave one of the best karaoke performances of all time singing Mambo #5. And it's all thanks to the F bomb. If Miley Cyrus was even remotely talented she would have told her fans to “fucking deal with it” a long time ago.

5. Don't bite off more than you can chew: I'm looking at everyone who's even thought about doing Whitney and Mariah. I'm guilty of this myself, and you can pull off pretty much anything with a few sweet dance moves and an f bomb. But let's leave these ladies to the talented people. This goes double for the people that pick slow Mariah and Whitney (Hero, I Will Always Love You). Are you bloody insane?! That's breaking two cardinal karaoke rules. L.J., you keep doing as much early Whitney as you want. You're one of the talented ones.

6. Keep an open mind: This is kinda vague I know, but if you see a peppy song you like that is not by any of the artists listed above and you happen to know the words. Give it a shot. You would be extremely surprised at how well Annie Lennox goes over at karaoke. And Toto's Africa...I did.not.see.that.shit.coming.

...but I should have because I'm a goddamn professional.