Twiharder Blog: Oh Wolfy!

Dear Summit films,

As you and I both know, TONS of people read my blog. So whenever you want to send me my publicity check in the mail that would be super. I mean, I'm just trying to help you guys out here.

   Yours truly,
   A Mediocre Blogger

I've spent a few posts on the vampires of the Twilight Saga, and frankly if you haven't seen my RPattz blog get on that shit. I've even spent some time on Taylor Lautner. But it's come to my attention that one of the wolfpack is seriously smokin hot and far be it for me to ignore such great talent. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you...Alex Meraz.

Here he is all wolfed up.

And naturally, just in case you want to pic your totally favorite wolfy!

Man, I hope sarcasm comes across on this blog.

Anyway, there's some hot man meat for you. Well, teenaged almost man meat. I think Taylor Lautner is dating that floozy Taylor Swift now. Come on Jacob, she's been through a Jonas Brother or two at this point, and I'm not buying that purity thing for a second. Next thing you know, you'll be raising baby Swift-Jonas and wondering where all your best werewolf years have gone. Take this from a girl who once dated Elijah Wood.

Twiharder Blog: I Blacked Out and Woke Up Next to a Pumpkin

My friend Shelley, okay we haven't actually met, but we're on a Twilight email chain and that's practically the same thing. Look, I have tons of friends okay so shut up. Anyway, she's clearly gifted in the art of makin' sexy pumpkins. Is it me, or do you want to run your fingers through that jack o' latern's hair? No? Oh I know me neither. That shit is for weirdos. winky face.

Twiharder Blog: Rob, Baby, We Could Be So Good Together.

Let's just get right to the point.

This

That

...and this.

Thank you for your time.

Twiharder Blog: Bloody Ridiculous Gloss

Do you want to look like you just sucked blood from some hot teenager? Of course you do. Who wouldn't?

I have good news then. Lip Venom is debuting a Twilight Lip Venom called Lip Venom V. It mixes a lip plumping serum (plasma?) and a red lip stain. The idea is that you "shake well before applying to represent the blending of the human and vampire worlds." Flynn passed this product on to me because she knows how long I've been trying to blend the two worlds. Blending worlds is sort of a hobby of mine. I try to do it at least once a month. This month I'm attempting to blend the unicorn and platypus to make a "Unipus." I hope it goes better than when I blended a Triceratops and platypus and made a "Triapus."

Oh yeah...I went there.

You Bet Your Sweet Ass It's Twihard Tuesday

Oh wow...yeah that's a really cool tattoo...*throws up*

I think we've all seen our share of ridiculous tattoos. I know I have. It's pretty awkward to say the least when your friend shows you their "awesome new" tribal tattoo. Uncomfortably you reply, "Oh wow, that's TOTALLY what I would get if I ever got a tattoo.” But as bad as that seems, pray to god you never meet any of these imbeciles. I love these books to the point where I write blogs about statutory rape, but never in a million years would this be okay. 

Did you hear what I said? Statutory rape is less creepy than this tattoo.

The calf...THE CALF! Cool, you've now doomed yourself to wearing pants for the rest of your life for a tattoo of floating hands holding an apple. I hope you're okay being alone because you will NOT find a husband or boyfriend or even a lonely homeless guy with that on your leg. Don't believe me? Ok fine, you asked for it calf tattoo. One night you'll have had a few too many, meet a nice ex-wall street millionaire living on the streets. You'll think to yourself  "I've been pretty unlucky in love lately; maybe this one could finally work out." You'll buy him some Boone's Farm (the blue one of course) at the corner store and you guys will find a nice park bench to snuggle up on. Then things get hot and heavy and he lifts up your right pant leg. He'll stop, take a large swig of Boone's and say "Ya know, you're a really nice girl and everything, but I think we should just be friends." Did that hurt calf tattoo? Are you happy now? Because Robert Pattinson is never gonna love you.

Twihard Tuesdays!

As I'm sure most of my followers are huge fans of Twilight (hmmm no that's just you Katie) I am officially starting Twihard Tuesdays.

Today's Twihard Topic (oh the aliteration!):

"It's ok to want to bone this teenager."

No? not okay? Hear me out. Actually I don't need to explain anything...LOOK at that picture. Kyle is even feeling uncomfortably gay looking at this photo. So here's what I propose, the United States take a SERIOUS look at lowering the legal consent age to "hot werewolf." What does that mean? oh I'll tell you what that means. If a dude is hot, plays a werewolf, is in twilight, and is the dude that plays Jacob, we should be legally allowed to hit that with no legal consequences. Sure this probably sets a bad precedent in the wrong direction but who really cares? You could bang teenagers in the 14th century and nothing bad happened to them. Well except the plague, but that only killed the poor.