Vampire Movie Blog: Why the Hell Haven't I Heard of This?!!!

There's a movie called "The Hunger" staring Catherine Deneuve, David Bowie, and Susan Sarandon. It's from 1983. It stars David Bowie as a vampire lover. Where do I sign?

As an avid reader of my blog, I'm sure you already know that vampire movies are totally hot right now. Well, guess what, they were in the 80s too. You know what else was popular in the 80s? Cocaine. I didn't do it though. I was too young. I didn't start the hard stuff until twelve at least. None of that is true. I'm not going to pretend that I was ever cool enough to know about drugs. I still think Dimetapp, and it's delicious grape flavor, could have caught on when I was in school. It didn't get you high or anything, but it always cured my pesky cough so I could go see Mighty Ducks 2 and really party.

Crime Blog: Dang It! We Should've Used Jungle Green

I know it's hard to tell with their faces so well covered, but two white males were recently picked up for attempted burglary in Iowa. Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller were caught breaking into an apartment building by one of the neighbors and arrested shortly thereafter. Can we discuss what a great last name McNelly is? Another fine example of Irish ingenuity. So instead of masks- maybe that was too cliché so close to Halloween- they decided to use permanent marker to cover up their features. Or maybe that's the last time they get too drunk the night before a robbery and pass out first. That’s a real amateur maneuver on their part. Everyone knows too much whiskey and you'll end up sexually assaulting a stuffed snake at a Halloween store after it rejects you. I mean after it jumps out at you. I mean ummmm...because it attacked you first. Oh man.

Rave Blog: Who Needs Glow Sticks?

Bro #1: Hey Bro! What are you doin' tonight? Yeah my boys and I are hittin that rave up in Lauderdale.
Bro#2: But Bro, you don't have a glow stick or anything. Dude, you don't even have one of those glow in the dark blow pops. You're an embarrassment to the rave community, boy. Not cool.
Bro#1: Oh no you didn't Bro, you fucking asked for it. Yo! Tiny Balls, hit the lights.

BAM!!!!!!

*Bro#2 sobs at the beauty*

Glow sticks are a thing of the past. It's called technology suckas. Diesel has created a line of clothing for even the most hardcore ravin' douche. They glow in the dark and that's all good, but blog readers, I would like you to look at the phrase on the t-shirt. "Unisex is the fourth sex." and don't you forget it. Learn up my students. They don't call me teacher for nothing.

Before you even ask Kyle, here's the link to buy up these bad boys. And Kristi, well I think you know who to pass this link on to. Don't worry ladies, they've got glow in the dark jeans too.

I can already hear "Sandstorm." Someone fetch me my glow in the dark sports bra! It's about to go down.

Twiharder Blog: Oh Wolfy!

Dear Summit films,

As you and I both know, TONS of people read my blog. So whenever you want to send me my publicity check in the mail that would be super. I mean, I'm just trying to help you guys out here.

   Yours truly,
   A Mediocre Blogger

I've spent a few posts on the vampires of the Twilight Saga, and frankly if you haven't seen my RPattz blog get on that shit. I've even spent some time on Taylor Lautner. But it's come to my attention that one of the wolfpack is seriously smokin hot and far be it for me to ignore such great talent. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you...Alex Meraz.

Here he is all wolfed up.

And naturally, just in case you want to pic your totally favorite wolfy!

Man, I hope sarcasm comes across on this blog.

Anyway, there's some hot man meat for you. Well, teenaged almost man meat. I think Taylor Lautner is dating that floozy Taylor Swift now. Come on Jacob, she's been through a Jonas Brother or two at this point, and I'm not buying that purity thing for a second. Next thing you know, you'll be raising baby Swift-Jonas and wondering where all your best werewolf years have gone. Take this from a girl who once dated Elijah Wood.

Wedding Blog: Yeah Fucking Right

You are formally invited to the wedding of
Ms. Ashley Tisdale to Mr. Kyle Schimdt
The ceremony will be held at the Cathedral in Kyle's head
on the 11th day of fucking never.
The lovely couple is registered at Bath, Bed, and Beyond.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the delusional marriage between Kyle Schmidt and Ashley Tisdale. How do I know Kyle is young? Becuase he wants to bone marry one of the chicks from High School Musical. Although, I wouldn't knock that Zack Efron out of bed so I guess that makes me young at heart. *coughs*

Ahhh young love. I remember when I wanted to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Yeah JTT and I could've really been something. That whole "celebrity thing" and "not knowing who I am" really got in the way of our relationship. He's an amazing actor though. Remember when he was in The Lion King. He was the baby lion. Sigh...meOW.

Love Makin Blog: Not in My Backyard (It's Funny Because I Don't Have One)

The esteemed journalist Perez Hilton has opened my eyes to possibly one of the scariest websites I've ever heard of. ijustmadelove.com is a website where people can plug in (pun intended) where, when, and how they last go.it.on.

Well the good news is that people in Eastern Europe are getting it on like crazy and are TOTALLY willing to take the time to plug their exploits into a website. I'm not sure why this is a good idea or why anyone would care where people are getting it on. I do know this though. I'm looking at Cape Coral, FL and it's lookin bus-ay. Actually, there's not one post. Apparently, there's a certain newlywed couple that haven't told the world the specifics. What's the matter guys? Oh, I guess you want to be all private about it. Fine, but just know that Eastern Europe disagrees with you.

But just in case you need some inspiration

Twiharder Blog: Rob, Baby, We Could Be So Good Together.

Let's just get right to the point.

This

That

...and this.

Thank you for your time.

What Made the Red Man Red

The Detroit Lions have won a game! Yes, they beat the Washington Redskins. Did this really happen? It had to of because I'm blogging about it and I'm no blog liar. Unlike some OTHER bloggers I know (Flynn! Cats and wigs? I don't buy that for a second!).





There's my Calvin Johnson Lions Jersey. I'm hoping that me wearing this jersey and the Lions winning arent mutually exclusive, but that's not lookin too good. I can't remember the last time they won a game when I was wearing it. They won today and I wasn't wearing it. Naturally.

Jersey issues aside, this win must be celebrated! I can already feel the city of Detroit's fortunes turning. People will buy American cars again and their next mayor won't be involved in some sort of scandal. Ok I'm willing to settle for doesn't go to jail. I bet Detroit gets the Olympics next! Hopefully, the summer olympics though. Offering the winter olympics is just a slap in the face and Detroit ain't no sucka.

I'm gonna buy a lottery ticket with all my Detroit luck.

The Panda Just Got F'd in the A

According to BBC reporter and apparently noted naturalist Chris Packam, "fuck pandas, they're gonna die anyway." Ok that's not a direct quote, but it's pretty close. His actual quote was that we should "pull the plug" on pandas and let them die out and we shouldn't be spending all this money to save them because they're cute. I don't know about you but I am a firm believer that cute animals are way more important than the uglies. Just like with humans. Don't agree?

Angry now? Good! Grab your pitchforks and anything you can light on fire because we gotta get this guy! No one talks shit about the panda. This "naturalist" isn't all that far off from a serial (thanks Katie) killer in my opinion. Especially the ones that only kill good looking people like on CSI: Miami.

We should ONLY be saving adorable animals. Is there an endangered snake we can let die? Fuck you snakes.

Sorry if this post made little to no sense. I'm on an airplane. And no it's in no way as a cool as being on a boat.

The flight attendant is telling me to shut my phone down. Hey why don't you be a peach and get me a gin and tonic. There's a good girl.

Twihard Tuesdays!

As I'm sure most of my followers are huge fans of Twilight (hmmm no that's just you Katie) I am officially starting Twihard Tuesdays.

Today's Twihard Topic (oh the aliteration!):

"It's ok to want to bone this teenager."

No? not okay? Hear me out. Actually I don't need to explain anything...LOOK at that picture. Kyle is even feeling uncomfortably gay looking at this photo. So here's what I propose, the United States take a SERIOUS look at lowering the legal consent age to "hot werewolf." What does that mean? oh I'll tell you what that means. If a dude is hot, plays a werewolf, is in twilight, and is the dude that plays Jacob, we should be legally allowed to hit that with no legal consequences. Sure this probably sets a bad precedent in the wrong direction but who really cares? You could bang teenagers in the 14th century and nothing bad happened to them. Well except the plague, but that only killed the poor.