Twiharder Blog: Clever Girl

You have to say the title with an austrailian accent or it doesn't work. Trust me.

Thanks to my twihard lovin' compadre Flynn for sending me this. I'll have to send her one of those naked ecards of Robert Pattinson. Yeah I know those don't exist, truth be told it was just going to be a naked picture of me with his face taped over mine. I don't know why you had to ruin it. She would've never known. And just for the record, I just purchased some grape leaves so it would've been really tasteful.

The above photo (no doubt taken on the set in Washington for I'm sure it's real) brings up an important question. Who would win in a battle to the death between a vampire and a velociraptor? TRICK QUESTION! They impregnant each other and Bella ends up alone.

Twiharder Blog: Let's Go Ahead and Talk Crazy

Maybe it's my inherent laziness (let's be honest here, it's not pride or self respect), but I would never be so devoted to something that I would camp out on the streets of Los Angeles for five days. That's what the real twihards did for the New Moon premiere. They camped out to catch a glimpse of Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, that punky chick, and the dude who plays the thick vampire. These fans are nuts. They have signs that say "Team whatever I can get" and "Jacob Black: I'd hit that with a Volvo." They do crazy things like asking the cast to sign their underwear. A mother of one of the teenage fans actually did that. Now of course, outwardly, I say all of these girls are out of their minds and should totally get a life . But secretly, were I to attend a premiere, I like to think a conversation between Robert Pattinson and myself would go something like this.

Scene begins at the New Moon premiere in London, England.

Robert Patterson strolls by me on the red carpet. I speak to him as calm and collected as ever. Also, I'm dressed in an evening gown, looking fabulous and wealthy. There's probably a wind machine too.
Me: "Oh hi Robert, I'm a big fan of yours." my voice smooth like chocolate, and fuck it, I have a British accent. He nods and turns to walk away, but even though he's ravaged by crazed fans, he's unable to take his eyes off me. Did I mention I'm literally glowing?
Robert:  "Oh hello, it's nice to meet you. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name."
Me: "Oh, names aren't important here, Rob. Can I call you Rob?"
Robert: "Of course. I don't know why, Miss, but I have this strange feeling that I've been waiting for you my whole life."
I look down, pretending to be surprised, but I think we all saw this coming.
Me: "Oh Rob, that's so flattering, but don't you need to get to your movie now?"
Robert: "I don't care about the movie anymore. I just need to be with you."
Me: "But what about Kristen?"
Robert: "Who?"

END SCENE

Fine, you're right, I'm no better than the Team Jacob underwear wearing mom. But if I had a wind machine, I can't think of a better use for it.

Twiharder Blog: Twi-Motha-Fuckin-Burn!

SAY WHAT!

Hey everybody, Justin wins the award for Twilight buuuurn of the week. Nice work Justin! You win a copy of "Robsessed." A documentary of some of Robert Pattinson's finest brooding stares into the camera. The ladies will come a knockin in no time!

Sandra, however, wins the Twilight you should know better than to post something stupid like that you moronic moron award of the week. Your prize? A lifetime of loneliness.

Have fun with that, Sandra.

Twiharder Blog: It's Like These Savages Don't Appreciate Good Literature!

So you're going to have to click here to read it better, but I can give you the gist. Some unfortunate lad named Alex got too drunk, and his friends left him in front of a police station with a sign that said "I'm a werewolf, lock me up." Apparently, because he was talking about Twilight all night. This poor fella was ridiculed for expressing his affection for one of the finest examples of tween literature since "Superfudge." Not since this blog have characters been so carefully crafted, and adored by their audience. I guess his friends are all against "bad movies with mediocre acting" and books with "mormon and anti-abortion undertones."

Does no one care that the vampire is super hot? Did you click on the link? Yeah, super.fucking.hot. What kind of world do we live in when these things go unnoticed. I just get so angry I could take a baby seal and...wait...what? Alex is on Team Jacob? Seriously? Well, then his friends had a real point. Let's go ahead and get him one of these, and we'll see how he feels after that. Idiot.