Unemployment Blog: There Will Probably Be A Lot of These

"Oh, it's going to be fine. It will give me more time to write."

That's what I told my mother while explaining that it's no big deal that her 30 year old daughter is now unemployed. Turns out there's nothing scarier than having no money and THAT is not conducive to letting the creative juices flow.

By the way, if you're wondering why there wasn't an I can't believe I'm 30 blog post, there are a few reasons. 1. It's lame. 2. I spent that birthday in Las Vegas 3. If I put that weekend in print I'd never work in this town again!

So sure, when you're unemployed you spend a ton of time applying for jobs, looking for jobs, emailing people about jobs, and just googling in general (google celebrities in leather vests, it's amusing). But what you probably don't know about unemployment is the embarrassing amount of bad movies you're going to watch. I watched a movie called Princess Protection Program, The Last Song, and The Bodyguard within a 36 hour period. Pepper in a few more romantic comedies here and there and you've pretty much mapped out my life.

Actually, The Bodyguard is awesome. My apologies to Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner. You deserve more from me. I could quote that movie all day and I will.

I've also got Jurassic Park on my DVR so yeah I rule...hard.

Twiharder Blog: Let's Go Ahead and Talk Crazy

Maybe it's my inherent laziness (let's be honest here, it's not pride or self respect), but I would never be so devoted to something that I would camp out on the streets of Los Angeles for five days. That's what the real twihards did for the New Moon premiere. They camped out to catch a glimpse of Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, that punky chick, and the dude who plays the thick vampire. These fans are nuts. They have signs that say "Team whatever I can get" and "Jacob Black: I'd hit that with a Volvo." They do crazy things like asking the cast to sign their underwear. A mother of one of the teenage fans actually did that. Now of course, outwardly, I say all of these girls are out of their minds and should totally get a life . But secretly, were I to attend a premiere, I like to think a conversation between Robert Pattinson and myself would go something like this.

Scene begins at the New Moon premiere in London, England.

Robert Patterson strolls by me on the red carpet. I speak to him as calm and collected as ever. Also, I'm dressed in an evening gown, looking fabulous and wealthy. There's probably a wind machine too.
Me: "Oh hi Robert, I'm a big fan of yours." my voice smooth like chocolate, and fuck it, I have a British accent. He nods and turns to walk away, but even though he's ravaged by crazed fans, he's unable to take his eyes off me. Did I mention I'm literally glowing?
Robert:  "Oh hello, it's nice to meet you. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name."
Me: "Oh, names aren't important here, Rob. Can I call you Rob?"
Robert: "Of course. I don't know why, Miss, but I have this strange feeling that I've been waiting for you my whole life."
I look down, pretending to be surprised, but I think we all saw this coming.
Me: "Oh Rob, that's so flattering, but don't you need to get to your movie now?"
Robert: "I don't care about the movie anymore. I just need to be with you."
Me: "But what about Kristen?"
Robert: "Who?"

END SCENE

Fine, you're right, I'm no better than the Team Jacob underwear wearing mom. But if I had a wind machine, I can't think of a better use for it.