Bad News Blog: The Zombies are Going to Win

A pink bathrobe in public! Oh the humanity!!!!!

I recently recieved an article from the esteemed journalist Flynn. Professors from the University of Ottawa have discovered through various experiments involving math and infectious diseases that, were a zombie outbreak to occur, the human race would be TOTALLY fucked. Usually, I would link to that very article, but I took too damn long to write this post so the link is broken. Apparently, Yahoo! doesn't think the fate of the human race is important enough to keep around. That's fine though, this isn't some lame science blog that relies on facts. Crap like that is for politicians. If you're truly concerned you can google it. Newspapers in the UK probably care a whole lot more about what's going on in Canada than I do. I've got more pressing things to worry about. Like staying away from the delectable looking chocolate cake in my fridge. I just can't bring myself to throw it away, it looks too delicious and I'm just one person. What kind of a jerk would torture me with such a thing?!

Back to science and zombies. It's really no surprise to me that the zombies would win. What possible defense mechanism do we have against a thoughtless, hungry, flesh eating machine? But enough about Tyra Banks, we need real world solutions for fighting zombies. Here's what I think we should do. Seduce them.

Not for sex though, have you seen zombies? Nasty. I'd rather get with Charlie Weiss. Actually, there's no way that's true. Here's how we seduce them....Doritos. Yes! Doritos. How could anyone (even a zombie) want to eat aything else after tasting a Dorito? Any flavor of Dorito for that matter. They're all delicious!!! The name Doritos translated means "little bits of gold" for god's sake! There's no way they can resist! I'm currently drafting my thesis and sending it to the University of Ottawa right now. If they write back and mention anything about dipping Doritos in gravy so help me I will just lose it! But I suppose if Doritos don't work (of course they will) then we can always call up the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency.

UPDATE: I succombed to the chocolate cake and it's delicious. Keegsy you monster!!!