Movie Blog: Hey, Stop All That Oscar Buzz

Are you afraid of flying? Well you should be because Megladon is out there and he will take down your plane like it's his job! He doesn't care that your getting married in two days. He doesn't even care that it's virtually impossible for a shark to jump thousands of feet in the air and take down an effin plane! Nope, he doesn't care because he just took down your plane and showed that giant octopus who's boss.

Not sure what I'm talking about? Oh, I'll tell you. One of the greatest creature features of all time (perhaps only second to Boa vs. Python).

MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS

This piece of art was shown on SyFy on Saturday afternoon. I hope they plan to show it many more times. If you're wondering why I was watching this movie instead of my Alma Mater getting destroyed by our arch rival, I'll tell you. It's because football is dead to me. And just to get this off my chest, Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson are an embarrssment to sports commentating, and should be tarred and feathered by the good people of Tallahassee, Florida.

So, you're probably wondering about the scene I described above. I'll get there don't you worry. In the meantime, you should know that Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus stars Deborah Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, and a (sort of) Irish dude. He says the word lassie so I guess he's legit. Also, there's nothing like giant prehistoric sea creatures to put a little romance in science. While working night and day to get some sort of liquid to glow, our heroine takes her male, japanese counterpart and gets hers in a closet. Huz-zah. Who knew telling a story about a struggling dolphin in a fishing net was such a turn on. This blogger, that's who.

Wanna watch a shark take down a commercial jet? Of course you do.

Sigh, Mega Shark is like the Marlon Brando of creature features. He just makes it look so easy. Someone get that shark a treat. Maybe Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson?

Wedding Blog: Nice Meeting You?

If I had started this blog before last February I'd have begun singing the praises of weddings a long time ago. The thing is weddings are awesome. A bounty of alcohol (of some sort), sweet dance music, everyone is in a good mood, and alright, there's usually a good amount of single dudes. Oh, and you're always dressed to the nines for a wedding. They're pretty much the perfect storm of parties. Of course, I'm only referring to awesome weddings. I've definitely been to some bad ones, but frankly, any party is saved if the Electric Slide is involved. And I hate to say it, but I've been to weddings that DIDN'T have the Electric Slide. I just can't even tackle that right now.

With that said, one of the good ones was my  friends Julie and Nathan's wedding. I was in it this past weekend and enjoyed every minute. My only regret is that I didn't get any cake. It's a real amateur maneuver on my part. I mean who forgets to get cake. There was chocolate ganache involved! I could have had my cake and eaten it too. I could just kick myself in the face.

Cake mistake aside, I'm fantastic at weddings. I think it's my ability to dance without caring that I'm actually not a good dancer. I see a move like the stanky leg and I say "Psh, I would look awesome doing that!" And you know what. I do. I mean, I couldn't be cooler if I showed up to the wedding with Jay-Z.

Now, I was going to write a whole post giving away all my secrets to kicking ass at being in a wedding, but you know what, I think a girl should have a secret or two. I can't just give away my bridesmaid edge. And let's be honest, I'm probably going to be a bridesmaid at least a dozen more times. My mother gets dates faster than I do. Man, it's in writing now, no turning back.

Forgive me, but I'm going to get on a sappy note. When I was in Kristi and Joe's wedding I think it was so much fun because they were completely enamored and everyone was so happy for them (and also because they played the cupid shuffle). Julie and Nathan were no different, and it was absolutely fantastic to be involved in such a beautiful wedding with such a funny, adorable, loving, and generous couple. They're fantastic dancers too.

Okay, no more sap, here's what you need to know about the last wedding I was in. I looked awesome, I got a little (a lot) too drunk, I'm the greatest dancer ever ( I don't care what you say), and my best (worst) closing line is

"Nice to meet you."

Why are you looking at me like that? Don't think I won't cut you.

Thanksgiving Blog: I Hope Your Family is Crazy Too.

It's the horn of plenty!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope everyone has a great day eating your body weight in food and drinking heavily to remove the painful memories from the 2009 College Football season. The Detroit Lions have won TWO games. No big deal.

Today, I'm reminded of how important family is. Particularly my family. They never judge, they're kind, generous, forgiving, and always supportive. And then I wake up from that ridiculous fantasy and find that my cousin and sister have already been talking shit on facebook for a solid hour. Sometimes it's a real pain hanging in mountain time.

But seriously, I don't want to live in a world where my family is nice to me. That's just not right. If I'm not consistently verbally abused it's just not home. And don't think for one minute I can't dish it back. Sometimes I'm criticized for being too mean to people. But in the words of the great Omar Little, "How you expect to run with the wolves come night when you spend all day sparring with the puppies?"

I just call that survivin' suckas.

Taxidermy Blog: Kristi, You Like Squirrels Right?

Since I'm a vegetarian now I can talk about how it's not okay to be cruel to animals right? Eh whatever, this is still kinda awesome.

squirrel.on.a.fucking.motorcycle.

Forgive the lack of actual photo, but apparently you can't steal a picture off of Ebay. You win this round you auctioning mother fuckers.

Squirrels, yes, there's just no time to be humane when you can kill a squirrel, stuff it, and stick it on a Harley Davidson. Or if you're feeling saucy a toy horse, or a remote control car. If you have small children this would be a great Christmas gift. Explaining it might be awkward, but you might as well get those awkward conversations out of the way early right? Things like that might be why I haven't been invited back to babysit on multiple occasions. Apparently, parents don't think watching the movie 91/2 weeks is an appropriate way to show how babies are made. Prudes.
 
Joe, I'm gonna go ahead and throw this out as an option for an anniversary gift. February is just around the corner.

Eating Blog: Here's a Flowchart to Help You

No wedding blog yet. It's being drafted so everyone just calm down. In the meantime, you all know how I feel about fast food. Well, I'm a vegetarian now, so alas my fast food eating has definitely decreased. Don't you worry though, you can still get a 7 layer burrito at Taco Bell. That shit is vegetarian, I googled it.

Thank God.

So, do you get really confused when it comes to making decisions? Would you rather have a chart when deciding the appropriate time to put 1,000 calories into your body? Do you live in Canada (yeah right)?

Well, I have just the thing.

The fine folks at http://www.eatingtheroad.wordpress.com/ have done all the work for you! Just break out this chart the next time you're too drunk/hungover to make the call yourself. To be totally honest though, the lack of Whataburger on this chart is seriously disturbing. And where the F is Guthrie's? I don't think someone in Canada could even handle Guthries' special sauce. Oh man, I think this vegetarianism is starting to get to me. Last night I had a dream I ate a cheeseburger, and it was more satisfying than the dream about Taylor Lautner. I mean that's gross, he's totally too young. Ehem.

Wedding Blog: The Dance Must Be Perfect!

Okay blog readers (even the secret ones) I need some advice. I'm in a wedding on Saturday, and I need some sweet effin dance moves. As you all know from my Advice Blog: Getchu a Husband, a particularly fantastic dance move will make or break your chances of gettin you a husband (or at least a groomsman). I'll have my perfect opporutnity to claim the heart (like it's hard or something) of every single dude in that room when I'm introduced at the reception. My song choice?

Ray J's "Sexy Can I"



I know right! It's got just the right mix of elegance and sophistication. I just need the moves people, and all my hopes and dreams can come true. What if I get into a dance off? I need to be prepared. You can't just walk into a dance off and expect to win. Susie, I'm looking at you. I've heard you've got the skillz needed to become a champion. Lindsay this has you written all over it. Emily? maybe a triple axel?

Guide me blog readers. Guide me.

And oh yes, this will be videtaped.

UPDATE

I botched the dance...bad. Ain't no thang. More wedding blog to come.

Twiharder Blog: Let's Go Ahead and Talk Crazy

Maybe it's my inherent laziness (let's be honest here, it's not pride or self respect), but I would never be so devoted to something that I would camp out on the streets of Los Angeles for five days. That's what the real twihards did for the New Moon premiere. They camped out to catch a glimpse of Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, that punky chick, and the dude who plays the thick vampire. These fans are nuts. They have signs that say "Team whatever I can get" and "Jacob Black: I'd hit that with a Volvo." They do crazy things like asking the cast to sign their underwear. A mother of one of the teenage fans actually did that. Now of course, outwardly, I say all of these girls are out of their minds and should totally get a life . But secretly, were I to attend a premiere, I like to think a conversation between Robert Pattinson and myself would go something like this.

Scene begins at the New Moon premiere in London, England.

Robert Patterson strolls by me on the red carpet. I speak to him as calm and collected as ever. Also, I'm dressed in an evening gown, looking fabulous and wealthy. There's probably a wind machine too.
Me: "Oh hi Robert, I'm a big fan of yours." my voice smooth like chocolate, and fuck it, I have a British accent. He nods and turns to walk away, but even though he's ravaged by crazed fans, he's unable to take his eyes off me. Did I mention I'm literally glowing?
Robert:  "Oh hello, it's nice to meet you. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name."
Me: "Oh, names aren't important here, Rob. Can I call you Rob?"
Robert: "Of course. I don't know why, Miss, but I have this strange feeling that I've been waiting for you my whole life."
I look down, pretending to be surprised, but I think we all saw this coming.
Me: "Oh Rob, that's so flattering, but don't you need to get to your movie now?"
Robert: "I don't care about the movie anymore. I just need to be with you."
Me: "But what about Kristen?"
Robert: "Who?"

END SCENE

Fine, you're right, I'm no better than the Team Jacob underwear wearing mom. But if I had a wind machine, I can't think of a better use for it.

Grown Up Blog: When Did This Happen?

I just came to a realization. I'm an adult.

Don't believe me? I'm in a book club. Name a kid that's in a book club, and watching Reading Rainbow doesn't count. Yeah, that's right, you can't. In book club we have in depth discussions about actual books.We don't even get that drunk at book club. I'm hoping to change that when I host next month. What signature drink is more adult? Manhattan or Tom Collins? Only adults serve signature drinks.

Also, I watch CBS comedies and I think they're funny. I'm still grappling with that one. There's nothing cool about saying the phrase "Oh that Old Christine is at it again!" or thinking to myself maybe I should give that NCIS: Los Angeles a shot. I probably should give it a shot, it's the adult thing to do.

Another adult thing. I hang out with couples. Yeah, odd numbers are the best numbers. I do things in groups of three, five or seven.  I'm invited to dinners and offered opportunities to go on bike rides. Maybe next week I'll go to a farmer's market. Whose a fucking adult now? Me that's who.

I just laughed at a line from "The Big Bang Theory." Confession: I laughed at two lines. Great, next stop is  family game night with my cat Sophie. This whole being an adult thing just got real.

Hungover Blog: Waterbeds?

It's Saturday and I'm hungover so guess what? I'm writing about fucking waterbeds. They're beds filled with water. No big deal. I know what you're thinking. "oh wow, apparently Meghan finally ran out of vampire stuff to write about." NOPE! Suckas. Watch this show. It's got more hot vampires in it. And Boone from Lost. Again, no big deal. By the way, Ian Somerhalder, if you read this blog (of course you do), I'm buying a waterbed. I bet your likely beautiful and funny girlfriend doesn't have one. Marinate on that.

I'm not sure if it's the hangover or not, but I'm getting pretty seasick just thinking about waterbeds. Are they the pinnacle of douchery? I think they might be. I think the ranking goes 3. thinks Dane Cook is hilarious 2. wears Ed Hardy and 1. owns a waterbed. Oh and pet waterbeds exist. Just in case you want to make sure your dog never gets any action either.

30 Rock Blog: When You're a Legitimate Blog You Get to Interview Tina Fey

The Daily Beast recently interviewed Tina Fey and asked her what her top ten 30 Rock moments are. Naturally, they were all hilarious and can all be found here. I've posted one of my personal favorites. It's a forty second video in which pretty much everything Tracy Jordan says is hilarious. Being hilarious myself, I can relate to that. I didn't used to think I was, but some very dear friends told me to just believe in myself. It was really hard at first, but once I increased the drinking and lowered everyone's expectations, it was a breeze!

R Kelly Blog: The Finest Artist of Our Generation

I don't care that he peed on a girl. I just want him to keep makin' music because I think we all know that my life would be a hell of a lot emptier without "Ignition Remix" (my version coming soon). R. Kelly has made some of the greatest songs of our generation and I think he deserves some accolades. Only a fucking genius would write a song about spreading his seed. This guy is a different caliber of artist. Like none I've ever seen. He's a phenomenal storyteller and now he just wants to get you "Pregnant."



Let's go ahead and call this one the new Christmas Jam of '09.

Twiharder Blog: Twi-Motha-Fuckin-Burn!

SAY WHAT!

Hey everybody, Justin wins the award for Twilight buuuurn of the week. Nice work Justin! You win a copy of "Robsessed." A documentary of some of Robert Pattinson's finest brooding stares into the camera. The ladies will come a knockin in no time!

Sandra, however, wins the Twilight you should know better than to post something stupid like that you moronic moron award of the week. Your prize? A lifetime of loneliness.

Have fun with that, Sandra.

Women's Rights Blog: Does Brazil Shop at The Gap?

A Brazillan college student was recently expelled for wearing a mini-dress to class. Amid a barrage of insults she was escorted out of class and eventually asked to leave the university.

  Geisy Arruda, look at her, a regular trollop.

Sooooo, in Brazil the college dudes DON'T like it when the chicks are skanky? I have to take a minute here. I'm a little confused that a country whose namesake was given to an all hands on deck this is gonna hurt hoo-ha wax would have a problem with a girl in a mini-dress. I mean it has sleeves.

UPDATE

Apparently Bandeirante (pronounce that, I dare you) University has decided not to expel the girl in the pink dress. Maybe they took a tour of Florida State University and decided that a long sleeved short dress wasn't the worst thing a girl could wear to class. Even the smart/prudish chicks dressed a little skanky at FSU. They just added glasses so you got that nerdy/whorish vibe. I never did that though. I also never started a gigantic foam party in a fountain in the middle of Landis Green using the identity of a midwestern girl named Schenectady. There also wasn't a recorder, a kuzoo, and a guy that looked like John Lennon involved either.

So shut your stupid mouth.

Athletic Blog: I'd Invite this Girl over for Tea and Crumpets Anyday

As an athlete myself ( I took golf lessons and ran a mile once), I completely understand how intense a big game can be. That being said, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this girl is crazy like a scandinavian prostitute on Archipelago Boat Day.



She's got dead eyes like a scandinavian prostitute too. Well, I was definitely thinking about becoming a professional athlete of some sort, but soccer is looking a little rough for me. I think I'll stick to wii bowling and watching the olympics.

Vampire Movie Blog: Why the Hell Haven't I Heard of This?!!!

There's a movie called "The Hunger" staring Catherine Deneuve, David Bowie, and Susan Sarandon. It's from 1983. It stars David Bowie as a vampire lover. Where do I sign?

As an avid reader of my blog, I'm sure you already know that vampire movies are totally hot right now. Well, guess what, they were in the 80s too. You know what else was popular in the 80s? Cocaine. I didn't do it though. I was too young. I didn't start the hard stuff until twelve at least. None of that is true. I'm not going to pretend that I was ever cool enough to know about drugs. I still think Dimetapp, and it's delicious grape flavor, could have caught on when I was in school. It didn't get you high or anything, but it always cured my pesky cough so I could go see Mighty Ducks 2 and really party.

30 Rock Blog: Thursday is Still the Greatest Night of Them All

In tonight's 30 Rock episode, the audition process for the new TGS cast member finally begins. Personally, I think they should just hire Robert Downey, Jr. and be done with it. Are you thinking what I'm thinking Flynn? Combine our massive blog readership in a push to get RDJ on 30 Rock. It would be the Holy Grail of hilarity and awesomeness. And then RDJ would be so appreciative he would marry us. Well, it's illegal for him to marry both of us so we'd have to Roshambo. I say best out of five since a lifetime of happiness with Iron Man is on the line. Don't you think for one second I won't use fire. I'll use the shit out of fire. Of course, I did get RDJ to write that nice thing about my blog so I've basically got an in already.

Here's a promo for tonight's 30 Rock. Liz Lemon discusses the perils of the auditioning process.

Fancy Blog: It's Almost Too Legit

You see this. It's the new accidental blog. It's like the heavens opened up and showed me the right blog template. Like the whole world just faded away and it was just me and Minima. That's my template's name. I call the new template by his first name because we're that close. And yeah, he's a dude. A hot one. A hot black dude that likes indie rock music. He's a doctor too, no big deal. Minima's pretty much perfect, and with his help I can write awesomeness like this. Yeah that's right, someday I'll be published in McSweeney's too. It's okay if you don't believe me because I don't need you anymore. As long as I have Minima I can do anything! It's me and him against the world.


UPDATE: That's not true blog readers. I need you like an oreo needs the cream. Double Stuf.

Twiharder Blog: It's Like These Savages Don't Appreciate Good Literature!

So you're going to have to click here to read it better, but I can give you the gist. Some unfortunate lad named Alex got too drunk, and his friends left him in front of a police station with a sign that said "I'm a werewolf, lock me up." Apparently, because he was talking about Twilight all night. This poor fella was ridiculed for expressing his affection for one of the finest examples of tween literature since "Superfudge." Not since this blog have characters been so carefully crafted, and adored by their audience. I guess his friends are all against "bad movies with mediocre acting" and books with "mormon and anti-abortion undertones."

Does no one care that the vampire is super hot? Did you click on the link? Yeah, super.fucking.hot. What kind of world do we live in when these things go unnoticed. I just get so angry I could take a baby seal and...wait...what? Alex is on Team Jacob? Seriously? Well, then his friends had a real point. Let's go ahead and get him one of these, and we'll see how he feels after that. Idiot.

Shaving Blog: You Don't Have to Do it in November

Good news fellas it's "No Shave November." You don't have to shave for the enitre month. It's true! If you show up to work looking like a you've hiked the Appalachian Trail your boss can't be mad. It's on urban dictionary and there's a facebook group so it's totally legit. The above picture is also true. If you have a mustache like that there's no stopping your fanciness. You can say things like " Of course, I've always preferred Krug, Clos du Mesnil Champagne more than it's vintage 1990, but Dom Pérignon is for tricksters and hobos." Then you'll slap your waiter in the face and we'll all laugh and laugh. And the ladies will LOVE it. So if you can grow a mustache like that, November is going to be a very good month.

Here's some bad news fellas, No Shave November isn't gender specific. Chicks don't have to shave either. But if you're dating one of the Flynn cousins you probably thought No Shave November was all year long. Well it's not. It's just November. Read the title of this post. The horn of plenty is now filled with hair. Don't blame me, blame the Pilgrims.