European Blog: An Open Letter to Rick Steves

Dear Rick Steves,

For months I've watched you travel through Europe explaining everything from cheese making in the Swiss Alps to the hot springs in Budapest, Hungary. I've spent many a relaxing morning enjoying your journey through the beer gardens of Munich. You should know these are some of the most magical times of my life. Times when I can just let all my troubles go and watch you tell the histories of churches and town squares.

You know why, Rick? Can I call you Rick? Rick, it's because you radiate pure sexual energy. It's the kind of man heat my mother used to warn me about as a child. You are pure fucking sex, Rick Steves. I know it's true because I can feel it through my television. When you went to Florence and stood next to the statue of David and you, how do I say this, made that statue look like a gigantic pussy?

You’re better than art; you're fucking Rick Steves.

Of course, some may disagree with me. They'll tell me that your voice is weird and high and that you're just a nerdy nerd face. I know better though. I know that beneath your pastel button up shirt and pleaded khaki's there's the kind of man that'll take a girl to see a Viennese string quartet like a motherfucker. And don't even get me started on when you have your jacket tossed over your shoulder. What are you just toying with me? Is this just a game to you, Rick Steves?!

I can tell your producers know what I know, and they're using it to suck me in. That's why those bastards began the Budapest episode with you shirtless playing chess in a pool filled with Hungarian man candy and mustaches. Ryan Reynolds couldn't pull that off.

So I stayed on my couch and watched the entire episode. How could I walk away from you, Rick Steves? How?

Yours truly,

Meghan

Movie Blog: Hey, Stop All That Oscar Buzz

Are you afraid of flying? Well you should be because Megladon is out there and he will take down your plane like it's his job! He doesn't care that your getting married in two days. He doesn't even care that it's virtually impossible for a shark to jump thousands of feet in the air and take down an effin plane! Nope, he doesn't care because he just took down your plane and showed that giant octopus who's boss.

Not sure what I'm talking about? Oh, I'll tell you. One of the greatest creature features of all time (perhaps only second to Boa vs. Python).

MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS

This piece of art was shown on SyFy on Saturday afternoon. I hope they plan to show it many more times. If you're wondering why I was watching this movie instead of my Alma Mater getting destroyed by our arch rival, I'll tell you. It's because football is dead to me. And just to get this off my chest, Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson are an embarrssment to sports commentating, and should be tarred and feathered by the good people of Tallahassee, Florida.

So, you're probably wondering about the scene I described above. I'll get there don't you worry. In the meantime, you should know that Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus stars Deborah Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, and a (sort of) Irish dude. He says the word lassie so I guess he's legit. Also, there's nothing like giant prehistoric sea creatures to put a little romance in science. While working night and day to get some sort of liquid to glow, our heroine takes her male, japanese counterpart and gets hers in a closet. Huz-zah. Who knew telling a story about a struggling dolphin in a fishing net was such a turn on. This blogger, that's who.

Wanna watch a shark take down a commercial jet? Of course you do.

Sigh, Mega Shark is like the Marlon Brando of creature features. He just makes it look so easy. Someone get that shark a treat. Maybe Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson?