Inspiration Blog: Okay I Won't Be Lazy Anymore

I've been lacking a lot of inspiration blog readers. Also, I'm lazy and didn't feel like writing. I can't just give it up when ever you want, okay! I'm not that kind of girl. But then I got the kick in the pants I needed. No, it has nothing to do with actually being inspired to write, but more because I got called out on facebook and like some circus monkey I yielded to my adoring public. Don't worry every single one is related to me.

Well, it's that time of year again! Summertime! I'm headed down south to the land of palm trees, old people, and T.G.I.Fridays. That's where I come from. And, yes, Kenny Chesney ripped off my song idea. Douche.

So to celebrate my impending vacation. I'm going to show one of the greatest movie scenes of all time.



And that was the rap song "Top That" from the movie Teen Witch. You're Welcome

Cats Talking Blog: I Give it 30 Seconds

Till hot dudes are knocking down my door.



These talking cats are adorable. Just like me in a tuxedo bikini. Yep, just gonna sit back and wait for the fellas.


UPDATE

It's been four days. I don't really have much else going on so I'm gonna keep watching this video. That gray cat kinda looks like they have a mustache. Hilarious!!!

Amazon Blog: I'm Doing This

Good news everyone! You can self publish things on Amazon so my "Women of Golden Corral" calendar is finally going to see the light of day.

Hey all you fellas out there, wanna learn you some lady catchin tips? Just check out Tim Curtis' book "All I Know About Women (Volume 1)."  Tim is a reader of mine who's clearly poured years of experience into the life lessons provided in this book. I recommend everyone get themselves a copy now. Before you start planning your long happy life with your new lady friend, remember this, the most important thing about this publication is that it won't help you get women. Not even a little bit. But what it will do is make you feel better after you inevitably fail.

It's called progress.

Twiharder Blog: Clever Girl

You have to say the title with an austrailian accent or it doesn't work. Trust me.

Thanks to my twihard lovin' compadre Flynn for sending me this. I'll have to send her one of those naked ecards of Robert Pattinson. Yeah I know those don't exist, truth be told it was just going to be a naked picture of me with his face taped over mine. I don't know why you had to ruin it. She would've never known. And just for the record, I just purchased some grape leaves so it would've been really tasteful.

The above photo (no doubt taken on the set in Washington for I'm sure it's real) brings up an important question. Who would win in a battle to the death between a vampire and a velociraptor? TRICK QUESTION! They impregnant each other and Bella ends up alone.

A Goofy Movie Blog: This is a Good Idea

Two posts in one day! I'm back people!

Let me be perfectly clear. A Goofy Movie is awesome. These fine folks in Random City, USA filmed a live action sequence of the opening song in A Goofy Movie. I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday. Although, if I had my drothers this thing would be staring Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Max and myself as Roxanne.



I've been inspired! I want to do my own live action movie that mirrors a Disney cartoon. So here's my suggestion from the famed animated movie staring the most asians Mulan.



Don't look at me like that. I'm super athletic and I catch stuff with my bare hands all the time. Like thin mints. Those mothers aren't going anywhere.

Today I Blog!: Blog

I'm feeling saucy today what can I say. You've all probably stopped reading this blog considering I haven't been writing it. And who can blame you. BUT if you still read, I appreciate your patience. There's a jar of pickles* coming your way.

*naturally I don't mean a literal jar of pickles, but the various sexual favors my hired monkey will do for you. Don't mess with that monkey though, she's feminist and she owns a house.

Today, I want to dedicate a blog post to my creepy Chinese fan. China gets a lot of flack for being communist and freedom crushing, and for their love of donkey sandwiches (not a sexual position). But if you take the time to read the sweet things my Chinese blog reader is writing I think you'll remember what the Chinese should really be known for...their heart.

Shelbfest took the time to translate my Chinese reader's comment. It's pretty moving so if you have some weakness tissues around I suggest you grab them now.

"Adult porn chat rooms hot passionate crush 520sex naked beautiful map of adult self-timer 18-limited video viewing av sex video chat adult chat rooms adult masturbation passion pornographic pictures sex520 self-timer sneaked photographs net 18 ban on adult video chat lust beauty of Taiwan Network restricted female masturbation adult chat erotic skirts erotic fun T-back forum for the dew point of extreme shock adult video chat, Ai-ai-Star dew Taiwan avlive show pornographic websites masturbation video beautiful young woman adult chat network adult channels of people-to-many passionate slut wife Mature adult porn av adult chat room video network over the show love dairy giant chat room night is beautiful girl free video sex chip-to-many pink nipples make love video chat with beautiful sexy woman adult pornography Web sites chest picture video sex erotic sex with babes chat rooms big breast."

I know, it really cuts to the heart of you doesn't it? I haven't been this moved since I watched "The Cutting Edge" for the first time. Figure skating + D.B. Sweeney = straight up Olympic romance.

DC Blog: Make it Stop

Yes, I haven't written in awhile. I work now. It's what I do. And unfortunately, unlike SOME people I know, I don't blog for a living.

I'm an adult goddammit, I go to conferences. Specifically, ones in DC. You want a list of what I learned about DC? You got it bitches.

1. Everywhere is DC smells like crab cakes- and they are delicious. But when you go into a museum and it smells like crab cakes it's just distracting. Especially when you're in the Museum of Crime and Punishment and learning about Old Smokey and the dude it didn't kill.

...yeah.

2. The place is crawling with hot dudes in suits- I still repelled all of them. So DC has that in common with Denver. Things went well.

3. From the six hours I got to experience daylight DC seemed like a pretty place- But I was probably drunk when I saw anything. People drink a lot at conferences and who am I to be an outlier.

4. It's awkward when your state Senator busts you jaywalking- It's cool though, he probably just thought I was one of those intriguing rebel types.

5. Meh, I think I'm gonna grab a mimosa on the way to work.

Dessert Blog: Because I Like Eating and I Have Nothing Else to Write About

I recently joined a yoga studio. Yeah, I'm totally going to get lean and mean and in touch with my inner everything. This decision wasn't based on a need to have spiritual awareness. This decision was made because I was recently asked to be in a wedding...a beach wedding.

Where at one point these were suggested as the preferred garb.

So help me.

So I'm eating salad and an orange and I go to yoga. But I was reminded about something today. Something magical. Something delicious. Something so tempting, I literally haven't stopped thinking about it for two hours.

The Cake and Shake from Dessert Bar.

Take a good look at it. And you thought Jon Hamm was handsome.

It was created by one Keegan "Keegsy" Gerhart for the lucky people of Denver, Colorado. I like to get my cake with a chocolate malt. Yeah, that's right, I'm not playing around. MALT! Today, when I begin weeping in yoga, it won't be because I've been in the same position for fifteen minutes. No, it will be for you, my beautiful and delicious Jon Hamm-like dessert. Everything I do is for you.  

Sharktopus Blog: Yeah, Ok, I Guess This Could Happen

Never underestimate the romance that goes on under the sea. There's no STDs in the ocean right? So why wouldn't a shark and an octopus get frisky one night. They were probably all bored and that red coral gets you super high. So what would their illegitimate child look like?

Well, a Sharktopus of course!

And he shall henceforth be known as Peter the Sharktopus.

Syfy is fully taking advantage of the awesomeness that is the creature feature and greenlighted the film "Sharktopus." If they do it correctly, this film should cost about $5 so the producers are poised to make some bank. Syfy, I'm willing to do the movie for $1.50 and a bag of Twizzlers. Just make sure my leading man is either in a band or a ginger. Thank you to one Miss Andrea for bring this to my attention. Oh, is your mother not scouring the internet for new shark movies? Well, then I guess she doesn't love you.

UPDATE

Good news! There's a Dinoshark movie coming too!

Which of course leads to the question of all questions. Who would win in a fight to the death between a Sharktopus and Dinoshark? I don't know readers. I'm not a fucking scientist.

Assassination Blog: I bet George Clooney was in on it

That sneaky salt and peppered minx.

I was going to be a secret agent once, but then a job at Coldstone Creamery opened up and what was I supposed to do? I took that shit. Where do you think I honed my karaoke skills?

Naturally, I regret my decision because if you're a secret agent you do cool things like assassinations. You could impress people with that job. And I'm not just talking about your average ginger here. Do you think George Clooney gets all those hot chicks because he's a "famous actor?" Well, if you do I can't blame you. He's a great spy. Probably the best. I'd let that guy go all Dexter on me anyday. Wait...

Authorities in Dubai are looking for the assassins (great musical, by the way) of Hamas chief Mahmoud Mabhouh. He was killed last month when several trained assassins (I'm going to keep saying it) smothered him in his hotel room. They were in disguises! Wigs and everything! Maybe John Cusack was in on it too. If I had known spies were actually that theatrical I would have turned down that Coldstone job and bought myself a sweet black jumpsuit.

Here's how you do it. Clean.

Olympic Blog: Those Chinese Figure Skate Better than They Breed Pandas

Communism = awesome figure skating. You didn't know that? What, did you not spend President's Day inside watching winter sports? Oh, you went on a hike. Seriously? Physical activity disgusts me. Unless, I'm watching it on TV and eating. Eating does not disgust me. I wish it did.

Well, like an actual American, I watched the Olympics all day. By the way, the United States leads in the medal count, but ya know I don't want to brag (We're fucking awesome). I'm never more patriotic than during the Olympic Games. Because I love winning. That's why I made a mistake watching pairs figure skating. Who am I kidding, I was bored and what else was I gonna do? Go to the gym? NO.

 

Xue Shen and Hongbo Zhao

Yeah, they won the gold medal. Yeah, they're still Chinese. Yeah, they're married. And, oh yeah, he proposed to her on the ice at the World Championships. Eh Adorable. Hey, USA figure skating, don't make me write about the Chinese again. Good day.

Charity Blog: I Expect Nothing Less Ohio

If you know me, you know there's two things I love. Charity and Ohio (no fucking way). BUT, what if the geniuses in Ohio added a third thing for me to love? Say stripping?

 

Oh everyone calm down, it's for charity.

The philanthropic owners (read: marketing geniuses) of Marilyn's on Monroe (get it?) in Toledo, Ohio held "Lap Dances for Haiti" this past Saturday night. They raised $1000 for the earthquake victims. I guess that beats the hell out of the $25 I gave during the George Clooney telethon. I told you I would do it for you, George. I'll do anything for you. 

Let's learn an important lesson from the state of Ohio. Stripping saves lives people. Haitian lives. Don't send supplies, water, or man power. That's not gonna help a small Haitian child without a home. We need to head to the nearest nudey bar and get some boobs in our face. Fork over some ones to see some sweet cheeks spread to the tune of "Private Dancer." THAT is how you help a developing country. 

You haven't thought of that shit have you, Wyclef Jean? How about you pay a visit to Toledo, Ohio and actually learn to how to help people. Bouzin.

Pickle Blog: I'm Writing this on Nyquil

I'm a little under the weather, but does that stop me from telling you what to do? No fucking way.

 

 McClure's Pickles, put them in my mouth.

I realize this blog is focusing on food right now, but I can't help that I need food to fill the gaping hole in me. I have a tendency to watch the Food Network from time to time (insert the sarcastic nooooo sound here).Well, tonight I was watching chefs talk about themselves when one of them turned to one of my favorite topics, pickles. I love pickles. I eat them everyday and I am bloated and I don't care. Because it's worth it. Recently, thanks to a deli chain here in Denver, I was introduced to a spicy pickle. Say What! You bet your ass it's a delight. 

The Food Network has guided me to a pickle company outside of Detroit that sells (according to them) a delicious spicy pickle. Naturally, I've googled those mofo's, but there is one problem. They only sell in quantities of 12 jars. Now, I could take a weekend and polish off 12 jars of pickles no problem, but binge eating is the worst kind of social suicide youknowwhatI'msayin'! I believe the phrase is no "pickle" fatties. Anyway, who wants to go in on some gourmet delicious pickles and help the great state of Michigan's ummm problematic economy? If you tell me no, I can't be held responsible for my actions. I'm unreasonable as it is and your bitch ass can take your ( I can't think of anything, the Nyquil has kicked in and all I see are white spots, kittens, and Alton Brown. It's not so bad in this place).

Meat Blog: Dolla Dolla Ribs Y'all!

We're not gonna talk about dating in this post. I've given up. Even my therapist has made subtle jabs at how bad I am at it. She makes fun of me and then I pay her. It's how our sessions go.

I've been a vegetarian for about four months now and I don't often look back. But, this morning, oh this morning I saw what will truly be my white whale.

Brothers BBQ has dollar ribs on Thursdays.

I can eat some mother fuckin ribs people. I've been known to take out a rack and a half faster than you can say, "Hey, you got sauce on your boobs." And I like all kinds of ribs...all kinds...spare, baby back, beef! What's that ribs? You don't have plans for Valentines Day? Well, how about I slip into something a little more comfortable, and you and I have a night in with some baked beans and coleslaw. All you got to do is bring some sweet tea and your delicous ass.

Best Date Ever

Crush Blog: Who Needs Actual Success?

Not this Blogger.

Did anyone notice the Chinese comment I recieved in my last post? You see blog readers, love really does conquer all boundaries. Or maybe, it's just that the Chinese also get how horrifying dating is.

So I've got a plan. I've decided I'm just going to have alot of crushes. It's way easier if you never actually talk to dudes. That way several scenarios can be avoided. For example, they won't have to awkwardly laugh when you make a weird joke about your cat controlling your social calendar (yeah, that happened). OR, I won't ever have to pretend I'm okay with hearing the word "Dave" when I ask a guy what kind of music they listen to.

Yeah, I'm going to stick with not knowing their real names and calling them by the names I've given them. Like Capitol Ginger Boyfriend or Gym Boyfriend (That one's from college, do you think I go to the gym?). In addition, I'll form abnormally high expectations for these guys so that if we ever actually speak, I'll immediately be dissappointed.

But the real plus of having fake crushes is that it makes you dress better. I'm convinced I need to look good everyday just in case I run into Oil and Gas Boyfriend that I've never talked to before. And you never know, maybe someday you'll meet some sucker that's doesn't have a nick name yet, and is completely ok with cat joke or two. Yeah

Date Blog: I Lived to Tell the Tale

The tale of dinner, drinks, and a teen pregnancy movie. Guess which of those three things I regret the most?

So, are you ready for the wealth of blind date knowledge I'm about to drop on you? Put on your gas masks and let's get started.

Lessons from my blind date:

1) Your matchmaker might exaggerate for your benefit- Shelbfest, gotta love her, made my job sound a hell of a lot more interesting than it is. My date gave me the "your job sounds really cool, I'd like to hear about it." In my head, "Well, I guess I better leave out the part where I booked plane tickets and ordered lunch for people today." What I actually said, "oh yes, I'm very important, like Rom Emanuel to the Obama Administration." He got confused so I asked him where he was from. Learning to change the subject for my benefit is just one of the things I've learned at my very important job.

2) There's never a loss of conversation because you don't know anything about each other- Where are you from? What do you like to do for fun? What's your favorite band? Where did you go to college? Who would win with a fight between a giant octopus and a mega shark? The possibilities for conversation are nearly endless. It was at least half way through the date before I realized we didn't even know each other's last names. Thank god I remembered, it makes internet stalking waaaaay easier.

3) Pick the weirdest place to go you can think of- We met at a place called Mercury Cafe, where's there's no shortage of christmas lights, ethnic art, piercings, and apparently on Saturday, teenagers in the tiniest dresses known to man. I'm not sure what the event was, but I'm not ruling out that Mercury Cafe is running an under age prostitution ring. Oh, and they had a palm reader too! She told me I wasn't going to marry Robert Downy Jr. so I bitch slapped her in the mouth. Luckily my date was in the bathroom and I came up with a good reason why we were being escorted from the restaurant. "For protection." He doesn't ask questions, I like that about him.

4) Maybe India Pale Ales aren't the best thing to order on a date- Sure it brought out that drunken charm I'm so well known for (no? alright then), but getting too drunk on a date can lead to some bad decision making. It's not what you're thinking, let's go ahead and skip to number five.

5) Date + Teen Pregnancy Movie = Are You Insane?- It was my own fault. I let it happen. I got a little tipsy and somehow my date and I ended up at my friend Emily's watching a movie about a teenage pregnancy pact. What.the.hell.

All in all. I'm not against going on another blind date. I mean, the first ten minutes were about as awkward as I've felt since seeing the movie Cradle 2 the Grave on a date in 2003. It starred DMX so I guess the Italian guy I was with was into hip-hop...or kidnapping. I'm still bummed I left my umbrella in that dude's car.

Concert Blog: I'm So In the Know

If you read my friend Flynn's blog (and you should because she's funny as hell. That's why we're friends, we stroke each others egos. Ehem) you may have seen her post about a sweet ass Denver band called Snake Rattle Rattle Snake. Well, tonight's their EP release party and I'm going to that shit. Truthfully, I'm not really that in the know. I just happen to have cooler friends that are nice enough to invite me to these things. Other things that I get invited to include massive lesbian dance parties. It was awesome, but that's for another post.

I was going to put a video up, but here's the thing. I'm terrified of snakes. Especially rattle snakes. When you google or you tube the band Snake Rattle Rattle Snake you get alot of scary pictures/videos of gigantic rattle snakes lunging for your jugular. Those mother fuckers will kill you...in the face.

So you're not getting a video. I just barely stopped crying long enough to write this. The fact that I simultaneously hate rattle snakes and love this bad is turning into a real conflict. Thanks alot, snakes. Maybe you can take away ice cream from me too, or maybe Ryan Reynolds! You jerks!

Date Blog: Yeah...I'm Still Doing This

Alrighty, the date is set, the place is set, and I got rid of Tom Selleck. I just have one more thing to deal with.

What the fuck am I going to wear to this thing?

Well, assuming clothes are not optional at Mercury Cafe (yeah, go ahead and laugh, but if you've been to "The Merc" you know it's completely possible clothing could be optional. They have slam poetry and a tiger on the wall) I'll need a sweet outfit to distract my "date" from the lame/racist/dirty/shark jokes I'm going to be nervously spouting all night.

So what's the best way to distract? Dress? Jeans? Rack (that counts right?)?  This is where you come in readers. It's called being interactive. I can't make date decisions alone!

Also, Shelbfest informed me yesterday that a dude in NYC wanted to date me just based on reading my blog. Yeah, that's right. Next stop... Pulitzer.

Date Blog: Advice from My Mother

Well, it's Blind Date Week! It's like Shark Week except there's less footage of Shark's eating chum, and more discussion about my insecurities. Don't worry, I'm just as mean to myself as I am to other people.

So, in my first blind date post I asked my readers to share some of your best of the worst date stories. I'm here to announce the best bad date story I received (by the way, you can email if the blog thing is too scary, sissies). Who sent in the best date story?

None other than my dear mother:

"Best wishes for an interesting blind date! I hope you have better luck than I did with my Jon Hamm lookalike...... within the first hour of sharing sushi he told me 1) his bipolar was much better now that he was on medicine, but that he just wasn't as much fun as the party boy he used to be. When he danced all nite and took his first dates to the tables in Las Vegas or to breakfast for beignets in New Orleans (why couldn't I have met him then) 2) He had trouble 'getting the old wanker to wiggle' since his last girlfriend (the pole dancer) and wondered if I was willing to help rehabilitate him 3) He didn't tip the waiter and 4) He he did not believe in condoms (worst blunder ever!)"

So...now I guess I have to devise a clever comeback to "I don't believe in condoms." How about: "Oh me neither, you haven't lived to you've felt the subtle burn of Chlymidia. It's like an 18 year old scotch, am I right?"  * Holds hand up for high-five*

Disaster Blog: Where's My Wallet With All That Money In It?

As I'm sure most of you are aware there was a horrific earthquake in Haiti. I'm going to move on quickly from that because there just isn't alot of comedy in natural disasters where orphans are involved. Except for that awesome Disney Movie Oliver and Company. There was a tsunami in that one right? Well, it was a weak joke and it involved Disney. Sue me.

Like you, I watched the news last night and got pretty weepy, and it wasn't even because Ann Curry was reporting (she hit a panda once, but in her defense she thought...well she just didn't think did she!) All jokes aside, it's terrible what's happened and after watching footage of the devastation in Haiti, I wanted to do my part to help. So I checked my bank account to see what I could send (unlike the popular assumption, I am infact, not heartless). Just as I suspected...$4. This Blog just isn't the cash cow I thought it would be. "Well," I thought, " I guess I'll have to wait to donate."

My change of heart must have angered the telethon gods because they conjured a force that I can't refuse. Not in a million years. No one can. The Gentleman Caller himself:

George Clooney

You're writing checks right now aren't you? George Clooney and MTV are teaming up to do a telethon to benefit Haitian earthquake relief. The telethon will air January 22 and, George Clooney, lucky for you that's pay day. Even if it wasn't I would give plasma, sell a kidney, or steal a baby to make it work. George Clooney, you tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I don't even need a safe word (pterodactyl).

Date Blog: The Blind Leading the Blind

So...uh.... I guess I have a date the weekend after next...a blind one. Well shit. To be totally honest, I didn't really think I'd have to follow through with this whole blog gimmick thing. Then Shelbfest had to get all saucy and and actually find someone!

Lucky for you, you get to watch the spectacle. We'll get into specifics (dress, talk, food) later, but first, I want to hear some awesome date stories from you. I need the " I wish someone would've told me this" tidbits. The more embarrassing the better. I'm taking some of you down with me and, frankly, I could use all the help I can get.

I hope he looks like Jon Hamm.

Beat that Beat Blog: Jersey Shore Lovin'

You know I love a good love story. You know this because, as reader of this blog, you're aware that I am not the least bit angry, bitter, or cynical. It's true. Those of you that don't believe in eternal love should do yourselves a favor and watch more MTV. I remember the first episode of Jersey Shore I ever watched. Sammi and Ronni had just had a big fight (cuz he was grindin up on some skank and she got that guy's numba). But then they sobered up and they made up and said "I can't lose you, Jersey Shore Housemate." And as I wept on the couch at the romance of it all, I thought, "My God, those crazy kids just might make it."

Called it, thanks People Magazine.

Thanks Sammi and Ronni for reminding how important and tenacious young love is. Actually, what they really reminded me was that I need to start training for my next dance battle. Thank God, there's a new training video by Lindsay to help show us how to Beat that Beat! If you're in a relationship don't worry, it's not cheating if you dance battle to house music. But if it's to R&B, you're gonna need to wash the dirty whore off you...whore.



Did you see that kick? Suck.on.that.

Thanks to Jon for, unlike myself, actually knowing how to use a computer.

Rant Blog: This Will Just Take A Second

I realize a total of four people read my blog, so what I say really doesn't matter. But that doesn't mean I can't rant right? What else am I gonna do after drinking a bottle of wine and eating a pound of tootsie rolls?

Conan O' Brien is the absolute shit. There's no getting around it.

Guess who is NOT the shit? Jay fucking Leno that's who. I would watch every single other late night host, but not you, Jay Leno, not you. I'm sure you're a swell guy, but your primetime show was not successful because it wasn't funny. You said you were leaving now leave. Please.

Conan, you are a goddamn gentleman.

Lament Blog: NPH, You Look Good in a Suit

I'm currently watching the People's Choice Awards and so far I'm pretty disgusted at what I see. The jokes on the show are really bad...and this is coming from a girl who laughed out loud at the joke "What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? Dam." F you I hadn't heard it before...and I was drunk. It was free bloody mary day on Southwest! What am I supposed to NOT order one?

Tiger Woods jokes? It's like you're not even trying, People's Choice Awards. How are actors so unfunny?

Well, through all the bad jokes, mediocre movies winning awards, and a drunk Mariah Carey, a How I Met Your Mother preview came on and all was right with the world. Until, I remembered that Neil Patrick Harris is gay and will never love me. Now I'm weeping in a corner of my apartment and drinking balsamic vinegar (I didn't have any wine and I figured it was close enough). Turns out it doesn't get you drunk, but it still makes you look like you have wine mouth.

Yeah, dream on all the NOT dudes.

In a perfect world I would be out in a desert in the middle east and I would come across a lamp. I would think to myself, "hmmmm, this lamp looks kinda dirty." Then I would rub it and a holy shit a genie would come flying out! This is my scenario, so the genie will actually be Robert Downy Jr. RDJ will say, "hello beautiful young lady, I'm your genie and I will grant you three wishes."

Yeah I've though about this.

Three wishes:

1. Neil Patrick Harris no longer likes dudes
2. He falls in love with me
3. Well, the genie is RDJ sooooo devil's threesome?

Am I being too greedy? FINE, world peace then.

Bachelor Blog: Maybe I'm Not a Total Failure?

Blog readers, I can't lie. I've really been lacking inspiration lately. Nothing was speaking to me and saying "judge this so you feel better about yourself." I was starting to think it would be the end of the accidental blogger. And then...the clouds parted and a shining beacon of light shown down onto my television. Then a deep, rumbling voice said to me "watch The Bachelor and all your blog dreams will come true." Yeah that's right, God gave me my blog inspiration tonight. It's probably because I posted a video declaring how awesome it is to be a friend of Jesus (Zap!).

I'm relatively new to the Bachelor/Bachelorette, but believe me, I can appreciate how awesome it is to watch people fail on TV. So far tonight, I've seen three girls cry, one girl tell a bad dirty joke in Cambodian (if only it had been in Cantonese), a girl who brought flash cards on a date, and a girl who put on a skanky flight attendant costume to get "the bachelor's" attention. I can't really be mad at that though because I'm still saving my Joy Behar costume for the right guy. That could be all yours RDJ. Think about it.

Return From Christmas Vacation Blog: Farts

I've returned from the elderly and humid state of Florida to the young and spry state of Colorado. Hey, guess what productive things I've done since I've been back. Slept, watched TV, and, naturally, I've killed at some karaoke. Have I unpacked? No. Have I cleaned my house? Nope. Did I order $19 worth of Thai food so I wouldn't have to leave my apartment today? Yes. Am I on msn.com right now reading bartender tips on how to pick up someone in a bar? Yes. Will I ever be successful in utilizing these tips? Define success.

Well, I did pay a parking ticket today so I got that going for me.