Charity Blog: I Expect Nothing Less Ohio

If you know me, you know there's two things I love. Charity and Ohio (no fucking way). BUT, what if the geniuses in Ohio added a third thing for me to love? Say stripping?

 

Oh everyone calm down, it's for charity.

The philanthropic owners (read: marketing geniuses) of Marilyn's on Monroe (get it?) in Toledo, Ohio held "Lap Dances for Haiti" this past Saturday night. They raised $1000 for the earthquake victims. I guess that beats the hell out of the $25 I gave during the George Clooney telethon. I told you I would do it for you, George. I'll do anything for you. 

Let's learn an important lesson from the state of Ohio. Stripping saves lives people. Haitian lives. Don't send supplies, water, or man power. That's not gonna help a small Haitian child without a home. We need to head to the nearest nudey bar and get some boobs in our face. Fork over some ones to see some sweet cheeks spread to the tune of "Private Dancer." THAT is how you help a developing country. 

You haven't thought of that shit have you, Wyclef Jean? How about you pay a visit to Toledo, Ohio and actually learn to how to help people. Bouzin.

Date Blog: Advice from My Mother

Well, it's Blind Date Week! It's like Shark Week except there's less footage of Shark's eating chum, and more discussion about my insecurities. Don't worry, I'm just as mean to myself as I am to other people.

So, in my first blind date post I asked my readers to share some of your best of the worst date stories. I'm here to announce the best bad date story I received (by the way, you can email if the blog thing is too scary, sissies). Who sent in the best date story?

None other than my dear mother:

"Best wishes for an interesting blind date! I hope you have better luck than I did with my Jon Hamm lookalike...... within the first hour of sharing sushi he told me 1) his bipolar was much better now that he was on medicine, but that he just wasn't as much fun as the party boy he used to be. When he danced all nite and took his first dates to the tables in Las Vegas or to breakfast for beignets in New Orleans (why couldn't I have met him then) 2) He had trouble 'getting the old wanker to wiggle' since his last girlfriend (the pole dancer) and wondered if I was willing to help rehabilitate him 3) He didn't tip the waiter and 4) He he did not believe in condoms (worst blunder ever!)"

So...now I guess I have to devise a clever comeback to "I don't believe in condoms." How about: "Oh me neither, you haven't lived to you've felt the subtle burn of Chlymidia. It's like an 18 year old scotch, am I right?"  * Holds hand up for high-five*

Rhode Island 1 Delaware 0

Oh Rhode Island you saucy minx. It's legal for teens to strip! You just showed Delaware who's boss. As if they didn't already have a complex!

So apparently there's a loophole in Rhode Island's law that makes it legal for under eighteeners to strip as long as they're home by 11:30pm. Cool, now it's the smallest state AND the perviest. Or maybe I'm just being unromantic. Sorry Rhode Island I've been known to be insensitive. Please forgive me.

Ok this isn't an entirely new story but I'm not on the interwebs for the news. I'm on here to look at adorable pictures of kittens and to judge celebrities. Fine! truth be told I found out from an episode of Tyra Banks. Don't you start! I already judged me and I was really mean.

I know what you're wondering and Tyra Banks does in fact frown upon teen stripping. Yeah, I'm still trying to wrap my mind grapes around that too.

Oh, and if you're wondering about the picture of Rhode Island. It's a hell of alot safer to google Rhode Island at work than teen stripping. Right? Or am I being unromantic again?