Twiharder Blog: Let's Go Ahead and Talk Crazy

Maybe it's my inherent laziness (let's be honest here, it's not pride or self respect), but I would never be so devoted to something that I would camp out on the streets of Los Angeles for five days. That's what the real twihards did for the New Moon premiere. They camped out to catch a glimpse of Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, that punky chick, and the dude who plays the thick vampire. These fans are nuts. They have signs that say "Team whatever I can get" and "Jacob Black: I'd hit that with a Volvo." They do crazy things like asking the cast to sign their underwear. A mother of one of the teenage fans actually did that. Now of course, outwardly, I say all of these girls are out of their minds and should totally get a life . But secretly, were I to attend a premiere, I like to think a conversation between Robert Pattinson and myself would go something like this.

Scene begins at the New Moon premiere in London, England.

Robert Patterson strolls by me on the red carpet. I speak to him as calm and collected as ever. Also, I'm dressed in an evening gown, looking fabulous and wealthy. There's probably a wind machine too.
Me: "Oh hi Robert, I'm a big fan of yours." my voice smooth like chocolate, and fuck it, I have a British accent. He nods and turns to walk away, but even though he's ravaged by crazed fans, he's unable to take his eyes off me. Did I mention I'm literally glowing?
Robert:  "Oh hello, it's nice to meet you. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name."
Me: "Oh, names aren't important here, Rob. Can I call you Rob?"
Robert: "Of course. I don't know why, Miss, but I have this strange feeling that I've been waiting for you my whole life."
I look down, pretending to be surprised, but I think we all saw this coming.
Me: "Oh Rob, that's so flattering, but don't you need to get to your movie now?"
Robert: "I don't care about the movie anymore. I just need to be with you."
Me: "But what about Kristen?"
Robert: "Who?"

END SCENE

Fine, you're right, I'm no better than the Team Jacob underwear wearing mom. But if I had a wind machine, I can't think of a better use for it.