Crush Blog: Who Needs Actual Success?

Not this Blogger.

Did anyone notice the Chinese comment I recieved in my last post? You see blog readers, love really does conquer all boundaries. Or maybe, it's just that the Chinese also get how horrifying dating is.

So I've got a plan. I've decided I'm just going to have alot of crushes. It's way easier if you never actually talk to dudes. That way several scenarios can be avoided. For example, they won't have to awkwardly laugh when you make a weird joke about your cat controlling your social calendar (yeah, that happened). OR, I won't ever have to pretend I'm okay with hearing the word "Dave" when I ask a guy what kind of music they listen to.

Yeah, I'm going to stick with not knowing their real names and calling them by the names I've given them. Like Capitol Ginger Boyfriend or Gym Boyfriend (That one's from college, do you think I go to the gym?). In addition, I'll form abnormally high expectations for these guys so that if we ever actually speak, I'll immediately be dissappointed.

But the real plus of having fake crushes is that it makes you dress better. I'm convinced I need to look good everyday just in case I run into Oil and Gas Boyfriend that I've never talked to before. And you never know, maybe someday you'll meet some sucker that's doesn't have a nick name yet, and is completely ok with cat joke or two. Yeah

Date Blog: I Lived to Tell the Tale

The tale of dinner, drinks, and a teen pregnancy movie. Guess which of those three things I regret the most?

So, are you ready for the wealth of blind date knowledge I'm about to drop on you? Put on your gas masks and let's get started.

Lessons from my blind date:

1) Your matchmaker might exaggerate for your benefit- Shelbfest, gotta love her, made my job sound a hell of a lot more interesting than it is. My date gave me the "your job sounds really cool, I'd like to hear about it." In my head, "Well, I guess I better leave out the part where I booked plane tickets and ordered lunch for people today." What I actually said, "oh yes, I'm very important, like Rom Emanuel to the Obama Administration." He got confused so I asked him where he was from. Learning to change the subject for my benefit is just one of the things I've learned at my very important job.

2) There's never a loss of conversation because you don't know anything about each other- Where are you from? What do you like to do for fun? What's your favorite band? Where did you go to college? Who would win with a fight between a giant octopus and a mega shark? The possibilities for conversation are nearly endless. It was at least half way through the date before I realized we didn't even know each other's last names. Thank god I remembered, it makes internet stalking waaaaay easier.

3) Pick the weirdest place to go you can think of- We met at a place called Mercury Cafe, where's there's no shortage of christmas lights, ethnic art, piercings, and apparently on Saturday, teenagers in the tiniest dresses known to man. I'm not sure what the event was, but I'm not ruling out that Mercury Cafe is running an under age prostitution ring. Oh, and they had a palm reader too! She told me I wasn't going to marry Robert Downy Jr. so I bitch slapped her in the mouth. Luckily my date was in the bathroom and I came up with a good reason why we were being escorted from the restaurant. "For protection." He doesn't ask questions, I like that about him.

4) Maybe India Pale Ales aren't the best thing to order on a date- Sure it brought out that drunken charm I'm so well known for (no? alright then), but getting too drunk on a date can lead to some bad decision making. It's not what you're thinking, let's go ahead and skip to number five.

5) Date + Teen Pregnancy Movie = Are You Insane?- It was my own fault. I let it happen. I got a little tipsy and somehow my date and I ended up at my friend Emily's watching a movie about a teenage pregnancy pact. What.the.hell.

All in all. I'm not against going on another blind date. I mean, the first ten minutes were about as awkward as I've felt since seeing the movie Cradle 2 the Grave on a date in 2003. It starred DMX so I guess the Italian guy I was with was into hip-hop...or kidnapping. I'm still bummed I left my umbrella in that dude's car.

Concert Blog: I'm So In the Know

If you read my friend Flynn's blog (and you should because she's funny as hell. That's why we're friends, we stroke each others egos. Ehem) you may have seen her post about a sweet ass Denver band called Snake Rattle Rattle Snake. Well, tonight's their EP release party and I'm going to that shit. Truthfully, I'm not really that in the know. I just happen to have cooler friends that are nice enough to invite me to these things. Other things that I get invited to include massive lesbian dance parties. It was awesome, but that's for another post.

I was going to put a video up, but here's the thing. I'm terrified of snakes. Especially rattle snakes. When you google or you tube the band Snake Rattle Rattle Snake you get alot of scary pictures/videos of gigantic rattle snakes lunging for your jugular. Those mother fuckers will kill you...in the face.

So you're not getting a video. I just barely stopped crying long enough to write this. The fact that I simultaneously hate rattle snakes and love this bad is turning into a real conflict. Thanks alot, snakes. Maybe you can take away ice cream from me too, or maybe Ryan Reynolds! You jerks!

Date Blog: Yeah...I'm Still Doing This

Alrighty, the date is set, the place is set, and I got rid of Tom Selleck. I just have one more thing to deal with.

What the fuck am I going to wear to this thing?

Well, assuming clothes are not optional at Mercury Cafe (yeah, go ahead and laugh, but if you've been to "The Merc" you know it's completely possible clothing could be optional. They have slam poetry and a tiger on the wall) I'll need a sweet outfit to distract my "date" from the lame/racist/dirty/shark jokes I'm going to be nervously spouting all night.

So what's the best way to distract? Dress? Jeans? Rack (that counts right?)?  This is where you come in readers. It's called being interactive. I can't make date decisions alone!

Also, Shelbfest informed me yesterday that a dude in NYC wanted to date me just based on reading my blog. Yeah, that's right. Next stop... Pulitzer.

Date Blog: Advice from My Mother

Well, it's Blind Date Week! It's like Shark Week except there's less footage of Shark's eating chum, and more discussion about my insecurities. Don't worry, I'm just as mean to myself as I am to other people.

So, in my first blind date post I asked my readers to share some of your best of the worst date stories. I'm here to announce the best bad date story I received (by the way, you can email if the blog thing is too scary, sissies). Who sent in the best date story?

None other than my dear mother:

"Best wishes for an interesting blind date! I hope you have better luck than I did with my Jon Hamm lookalike...... within the first hour of sharing sushi he told me 1) his bipolar was much better now that he was on medicine, but that he just wasn't as much fun as the party boy he used to be. When he danced all nite and took his first dates to the tables in Las Vegas or to breakfast for beignets in New Orleans (why couldn't I have met him then) 2) He had trouble 'getting the old wanker to wiggle' since his last girlfriend (the pole dancer) and wondered if I was willing to help rehabilitate him 3) He didn't tip the waiter and 4) He he did not believe in condoms (worst blunder ever!)"

So...now I guess I have to devise a clever comeback to "I don't believe in condoms." How about: "Oh me neither, you haven't lived to you've felt the subtle burn of Chlymidia. It's like an 18 year old scotch, am I right?"  * Holds hand up for high-five*

Disaster Blog: Where's My Wallet With All That Money In It?

As I'm sure most of you are aware there was a horrific earthquake in Haiti. I'm going to move on quickly from that because there just isn't alot of comedy in natural disasters where orphans are involved. Except for that awesome Disney Movie Oliver and Company. There was a tsunami in that one right? Well, it was a weak joke and it involved Disney. Sue me.

Like you, I watched the news last night and got pretty weepy, and it wasn't even because Ann Curry was reporting (she hit a panda once, but in her defense she thought...well she just didn't think did she!) All jokes aside, it's terrible what's happened and after watching footage of the devastation in Haiti, I wanted to do my part to help. So I checked my bank account to see what I could send (unlike the popular assumption, I am infact, not heartless). Just as I suspected...$4. This Blog just isn't the cash cow I thought it would be. "Well," I thought, " I guess I'll have to wait to donate."

My change of heart must have angered the telethon gods because they conjured a force that I can't refuse. Not in a million years. No one can. The Gentleman Caller himself:

George Clooney

You're writing checks right now aren't you? George Clooney and MTV are teaming up to do a telethon to benefit Haitian earthquake relief. The telethon will air January 22 and, George Clooney, lucky for you that's pay day. Even if it wasn't I would give plasma, sell a kidney, or steal a baby to make it work. George Clooney, you tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I don't even need a safe word (pterodactyl).

Date Blog: The Blind Leading the Blind

So...uh.... I guess I have a date the weekend after next...a blind one. Well shit. To be totally honest, I didn't really think I'd have to follow through with this whole blog gimmick thing. Then Shelbfest had to get all saucy and and actually find someone!

Lucky for you, you get to watch the spectacle. We'll get into specifics (dress, talk, food) later, but first, I want to hear some awesome date stories from you. I need the " I wish someone would've told me this" tidbits. The more embarrassing the better. I'm taking some of you down with me and, frankly, I could use all the help I can get.

I hope he looks like Jon Hamm.

Beat that Beat Blog: Jersey Shore Lovin'

You know I love a good love story. You know this because, as reader of this blog, you're aware that I am not the least bit angry, bitter, or cynical. It's true. Those of you that don't believe in eternal love should do yourselves a favor and watch more MTV. I remember the first episode of Jersey Shore I ever watched. Sammi and Ronni had just had a big fight (cuz he was grindin up on some skank and she got that guy's numba). But then they sobered up and they made up and said "I can't lose you, Jersey Shore Housemate." And as I wept on the couch at the romance of it all, I thought, "My God, those crazy kids just might make it."

Called it, thanks People Magazine.

Thanks Sammi and Ronni for reminding how important and tenacious young love is. Actually, what they really reminded me was that I need to start training for my next dance battle. Thank God, there's a new training video by Lindsay to help show us how to Beat that Beat! If you're in a relationship don't worry, it's not cheating if you dance battle to house music. But if it's to R&B, you're gonna need to wash the dirty whore off you...whore.



Did you see that kick? Suck.on.that.

Thanks to Jon for, unlike myself, actually knowing how to use a computer.

Rant Blog: This Will Just Take A Second

I realize a total of four people read my blog, so what I say really doesn't matter. But that doesn't mean I can't rant right? What else am I gonna do after drinking a bottle of wine and eating a pound of tootsie rolls?

Conan O' Brien is the absolute shit. There's no getting around it.

Guess who is NOT the shit? Jay fucking Leno that's who. I would watch every single other late night host, but not you, Jay Leno, not you. I'm sure you're a swell guy, but your primetime show was not successful because it wasn't funny. You said you were leaving now leave. Please.

Conan, you are a goddamn gentleman.

Lament Blog: NPH, You Look Good in a Suit

I'm currently watching the People's Choice Awards and so far I'm pretty disgusted at what I see. The jokes on the show are really bad...and this is coming from a girl who laughed out loud at the joke "What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? Dam." F you I hadn't heard it before...and I was drunk. It was free bloody mary day on Southwest! What am I supposed to NOT order one?

Tiger Woods jokes? It's like you're not even trying, People's Choice Awards. How are actors so unfunny?

Well, through all the bad jokes, mediocre movies winning awards, and a drunk Mariah Carey, a How I Met Your Mother preview came on and all was right with the world. Until, I remembered that Neil Patrick Harris is gay and will never love me. Now I'm weeping in a corner of my apartment and drinking balsamic vinegar (I didn't have any wine and I figured it was close enough). Turns out it doesn't get you drunk, but it still makes you look like you have wine mouth.

Yeah, dream on all the NOT dudes.

In a perfect world I would be out in a desert in the middle east and I would come across a lamp. I would think to myself, "hmmmm, this lamp looks kinda dirty." Then I would rub it and a holy shit a genie would come flying out! This is my scenario, so the genie will actually be Robert Downy Jr. RDJ will say, "hello beautiful young lady, I'm your genie and I will grant you three wishes."

Yeah I've though about this.

Three wishes:

1. Neil Patrick Harris no longer likes dudes
2. He falls in love with me
3. Well, the genie is RDJ sooooo devil's threesome?

Am I being too greedy? FINE, world peace then.

Bachelor Blog: Maybe I'm Not a Total Failure?

Blog readers, I can't lie. I've really been lacking inspiration lately. Nothing was speaking to me and saying "judge this so you feel better about yourself." I was starting to think it would be the end of the accidental blogger. And then...the clouds parted and a shining beacon of light shown down onto my television. Then a deep, rumbling voice said to me "watch The Bachelor and all your blog dreams will come true." Yeah that's right, God gave me my blog inspiration tonight. It's probably because I posted a video declaring how awesome it is to be a friend of Jesus (Zap!).

I'm relatively new to the Bachelor/Bachelorette, but believe me, I can appreciate how awesome it is to watch people fail on TV. So far tonight, I've seen three girls cry, one girl tell a bad dirty joke in Cambodian (if only it had been in Cantonese), a girl who brought flash cards on a date, and a girl who put on a skanky flight attendant costume to get "the bachelor's" attention. I can't really be mad at that though because I'm still saving my Joy Behar costume for the right guy. That could be all yours RDJ. Think about it.

Return From Christmas Vacation Blog: Farts

I've returned from the elderly and humid state of Florida to the young and spry state of Colorado. Hey, guess what productive things I've done since I've been back. Slept, watched TV, and, naturally, I've killed at some karaoke. Have I unpacked? No. Have I cleaned my house? Nope. Did I order $19 worth of Thai food so I wouldn't have to leave my apartment today? Yes. Am I on msn.com right now reading bartender tips on how to pick up someone in a bar? Yes. Will I ever be successful in utilizing these tips? Define success.

Well, I did pay a parking ticket today so I got that going for me.