Assassination Blog: I bet George Clooney was in on it

That sneaky salt and peppered minx.

I was going to be a secret agent once, but then a job at Coldstone Creamery opened up and what was I supposed to do? I took that shit. Where do you think I honed my karaoke skills?

Naturally, I regret my decision because if you're a secret agent you do cool things like assassinations. You could impress people with that job. And I'm not just talking about your average ginger here. Do you think George Clooney gets all those hot chicks because he's a "famous actor?" Well, if you do I can't blame you. He's a great spy. Probably the best. I'd let that guy go all Dexter on me anyday. Wait...

Authorities in Dubai are looking for the assassins (great musical, by the way) of Hamas chief Mahmoud Mabhouh. He was killed last month when several trained assassins (I'm going to keep saying it) smothered him in his hotel room. They were in disguises! Wigs and everything! Maybe John Cusack was in on it too. If I had known spies were actually that theatrical I would have turned down that Coldstone job and bought myself a sweet black jumpsuit.

Here's how you do it. Clean.

Disaster Blog: Where's My Wallet With All That Money In It?

As I'm sure most of you are aware there was a horrific earthquake in Haiti. I'm going to move on quickly from that because there just isn't alot of comedy in natural disasters where orphans are involved. Except for that awesome Disney Movie Oliver and Company. There was a tsunami in that one right? Well, it was a weak joke and it involved Disney. Sue me.

Like you, I watched the news last night and got pretty weepy, and it wasn't even because Ann Curry was reporting (she hit a panda once, but in her defense she thought...well she just didn't think did she!) All jokes aside, it's terrible what's happened and after watching footage of the devastation in Haiti, I wanted to do my part to help. So I checked my bank account to see what I could send (unlike the popular assumption, I am infact, not heartless). Just as I suspected...$4. This Blog just isn't the cash cow I thought it would be. "Well," I thought, " I guess I'll have to wait to donate."

My change of heart must have angered the telethon gods because they conjured a force that I can't refuse. Not in a million years. No one can. The Gentleman Caller himself:

George Clooney

You're writing checks right now aren't you? George Clooney and MTV are teaming up to do a telethon to benefit Haitian earthquake relief. The telethon will air January 22 and, George Clooney, lucky for you that's pay day. Even if it wasn't I would give plasma, sell a kidney, or steal a baby to make it work. George Clooney, you tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I don't even need a safe word (pterodactyl).