Charity Blog: I Expect Nothing Less Ohio

If you know me, you know there's two things I love. Charity and Ohio (no fucking way). BUT, what if the geniuses in Ohio added a third thing for me to love? Say stripping?

 

Oh everyone calm down, it's for charity.

The philanthropic owners (read: marketing geniuses) of Marilyn's on Monroe (get it?) in Toledo, Ohio held "Lap Dances for Haiti" this past Saturday night. They raised $1000 for the earthquake victims. I guess that beats the hell out of the $25 I gave during the George Clooney telethon. I told you I would do it for you, George. I'll do anything for you. 

Let's learn an important lesson from the state of Ohio. Stripping saves lives people. Haitian lives. Don't send supplies, water, or man power. That's not gonna help a small Haitian child without a home. We need to head to the nearest nudey bar and get some boobs in our face. Fork over some ones to see some sweet cheeks spread to the tune of "Private Dancer." THAT is how you help a developing country. 

You haven't thought of that shit have you, Wyclef Jean? How about you pay a visit to Toledo, Ohio and actually learn to how to help people. Bouzin.

Disaster Blog: Where's My Wallet With All That Money In It?

As I'm sure most of you are aware there was a horrific earthquake in Haiti. I'm going to move on quickly from that because there just isn't alot of comedy in natural disasters where orphans are involved. Except for that awesome Disney Movie Oliver and Company. There was a tsunami in that one right? Well, it was a weak joke and it involved Disney. Sue me.

Like you, I watched the news last night and got pretty weepy, and it wasn't even because Ann Curry was reporting (she hit a panda once, but in her defense she thought...well she just didn't think did she!) All jokes aside, it's terrible what's happened and after watching footage of the devastation in Haiti, I wanted to do my part to help. So I checked my bank account to see what I could send (unlike the popular assumption, I am infact, not heartless). Just as I suspected...$4. This Blog just isn't the cash cow I thought it would be. "Well," I thought, " I guess I'll have to wait to donate."

My change of heart must have angered the telethon gods because they conjured a force that I can't refuse. Not in a million years. No one can. The Gentleman Caller himself:

George Clooney

You're writing checks right now aren't you? George Clooney and MTV are teaming up to do a telethon to benefit Haitian earthquake relief. The telethon will air January 22 and, George Clooney, lucky for you that's pay day. Even if it wasn't I would give plasma, sell a kidney, or steal a baby to make it work. George Clooney, you tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I don't even need a safe word (pterodactyl).