You Bet Your Sweet Ass It's Twihard Tuesday

Oh wow...yeah that's a really cool tattoo...*throws up*

I think we've all seen our share of ridiculous tattoos. I know I have. It's pretty awkward to say the least when your friend shows you their "awesome new" tribal tattoo. Uncomfortably you reply, "Oh wow, that's TOTALLY what I would get if I ever got a tattoo.” But as bad as that seems, pray to god you never meet any of these imbeciles. I love these books to the point where I write blogs about statutory rape, but never in a million years would this be okay. 

Did you hear what I said? Statutory rape is less creepy than this tattoo.

The calf...THE CALF! Cool, you've now doomed yourself to wearing pants for the rest of your life for a tattoo of floating hands holding an apple. I hope you're okay being alone because you will NOT find a husband or boyfriend or even a lonely homeless guy with that on your leg. Don't believe me? Ok fine, you asked for it calf tattoo. One night you'll have had a few too many, meet a nice ex-wall street millionaire living on the streets. You'll think to yourself  "I've been pretty unlucky in love lately; maybe this one could finally work out." You'll buy him some Boone's Farm (the blue one of course) at the corner store and you guys will find a nice park bench to snuggle up on. Then things get hot and heavy and he lifts up your right pant leg. He'll stop, take a large swig of Boone's and say "Ya know, you're a really nice girl and everything, but I think we should just be friends." Did that hurt calf tattoo? Are you happy now? Because Robert Pattinson is never gonna love you.

Advice Blog: Lessons from Boz Scaggs

The Art of the Perfect Karaoke Song.

I don't consider myself an expert in many things. Ok that's a lie, I know pretty much everything. But I have a particular expertise in choosing a good karaoke song. Before you get too green with envy know that this didn't happen overnight. This particular skill set has taken years to perfect. Along the way there's been many a misstep. For example, there was the great Tracy Chapman catastrophe of 2008, or the David Bowie Space Odyssey disaster in the same year. If you thought Hurricane Katrina was bad... well then you've never heard me attempt "Fast Car." I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. It’s just not okay to let your friends even think about attempting “Red Light Special.”

There are several rules to go by when picking out a karaoke song:

1. Don't pick a slow song: It's just going to drag everyone down if you sing "Dust in the Wind." It won't be funny and you're not Will Ferrell.

2. Sing a song you actually know the words to: Sure singing R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It" seems like a fantastic idea on the surface, but trust me, you don't know the words and you're going to look like an idiot. No one likes to watch you struggle on stage.

3. Don't Sing Journey, Bon Jovi, or Neil Diamond before ten o' clock: Look, there might be people that disagree with me on this, but those people are drunks. These are peak songs and you can't just bring them out all willy-nilly. If you're going to be a douche, sing John Mayer. Also, it's ok to sing Neil Diamond songs that aren't "Sweet Caroline." Why don't more people sing "Coming to America?" That song would rule at karaoke!

4. F Bombs are totally OK to throw into a song: I don't care if you're performing a duet with your grandma. If there's an instrumental pause, you throw in those f bombs. Jon Griffin gave one of the best karaoke performances of all time singing Mambo #5. And it's all thanks to the F bomb. If Miley Cyrus was even remotely talented she would have told her fans to “fucking deal with it” a long time ago.

5. Don't bite off more than you can chew: I'm looking at everyone who's even thought about doing Whitney and Mariah. I'm guilty of this myself, and you can pull off pretty much anything with a few sweet dance moves and an f bomb. But let's leave these ladies to the talented people. This goes double for the people that pick slow Mariah and Whitney (Hero, I Will Always Love You). Are you bloody insane?! That's breaking two cardinal karaoke rules. L.J., you keep doing as much early Whitney as you want. You're one of the talented ones.

6. Keep an open mind: This is kinda vague I know, but if you see a peppy song you like that is not by any of the artists listed above and you happen to know the words. Give it a shot. You would be extremely surprised at how well Annie Lennox goes over at karaoke. And Toto's Africa...I did.not.see.that.shit.coming.

...but I should have because I'm a goddamn professional.

What Made the Red Man Red

The Detroit Lions have won a game! Yes, they beat the Washington Redskins. Did this really happen? It had to of because I'm blogging about it and I'm no blog liar. Unlike some OTHER bloggers I know (Flynn! Cats and wigs? I don't buy that for a second!).





There's my Calvin Johnson Lions Jersey. I'm hoping that me wearing this jersey and the Lions winning arent mutually exclusive, but that's not lookin too good. I can't remember the last time they won a game when I was wearing it. They won today and I wasn't wearing it. Naturally.

Jersey issues aside, this win must be celebrated! I can already feel the city of Detroit's fortunes turning. People will buy American cars again and their next mayor won't be involved in some sort of scandal. Ok I'm willing to settle for doesn't go to jail. I bet Detroit gets the Olympics next! Hopefully, the summer olympics though. Offering the winter olympics is just a slap in the face and Detroit ain't no sucka.

I'm gonna buy a lottery ticket with all my Detroit luck.

3 Hours in the Dallas Airport

It's cold in this airport. I mean really cold. I'm on my third cup of coffee just to keep normal body temperature.

I easily found the gate for Ft. Myers because it has the highest concentration of elderly people and these...




Jorts baby! Come on Gators...get up and...fuck you gators. Forgive the blurry picture but it was already weird taking a picture of a random's backside let alone asking them to stand still. Even as I'm writing this I see another pair of jorts. What the hell Dallas...what the hell.

OK I've waited long enough. I'm going to the bar.

The Panda Just Got F'd in the A

According to BBC reporter and apparently noted naturalist Chris Packam, "fuck pandas, they're gonna die anyway." Ok that's not a direct quote, but it's pretty close. His actual quote was that we should "pull the plug" on pandas and let them die out and we shouldn't be spending all this money to save them because they're cute. I don't know about you but I am a firm believer that cute animals are way more important than the uglies. Just like with humans. Don't agree?

Angry now? Good! Grab your pitchforks and anything you can light on fire because we gotta get this guy! No one talks shit about the panda. This "naturalist" isn't all that far off from a serial (thanks Katie) killer in my opinion. Especially the ones that only kill good looking people like on CSI: Miami.

We should ONLY be saving adorable animals. Is there an endangered snake we can let die? Fuck you snakes.

Sorry if this post made little to no sense. I'm on an airplane. And no it's in no way as a cool as being on a boat.

The flight attendant is telling me to shut my phone down. Hey why don't you be a peach and get me a gin and tonic. There's a good girl.

Twihard Tuesdays!

As I'm sure most of my followers are huge fans of Twilight (hmmm no that's just you Katie) I am officially starting Twihard Tuesdays.

Today's Twihard Topic (oh the aliteration!):

"It's ok to want to bone this teenager."

No? not okay? Hear me out. Actually I don't need to explain anything...LOOK at that picture. Kyle is even feeling uncomfortably gay looking at this photo. So here's what I propose, the United States take a SERIOUS look at lowering the legal consent age to "hot werewolf." What does that mean? oh I'll tell you what that means. If a dude is hot, plays a werewolf, is in twilight, and is the dude that plays Jacob, we should be legally allowed to hit that with no legal consequences. Sure this probably sets a bad precedent in the wrong direction but who really cares? You could bang teenagers in the 14th century and nothing bad happened to them. Well except the plague, but that only killed the poor.

You A-holes Are Probably Good Looking Too

According to Reuters, the highest population of 25-34 year olds making over $100,000 a year is in Washington, D.C. followed by several other cities/counties I don't live in because I make a penance compared to these d bags. I just got yelled at by my boss and have been a failure most of my working life, but this is nice, I'm happy for them.

Here's an article about the young and wealthy. Try not too punch yourself in the face too much.

What's that? Even if you made $100,000 you would spend it all on beer? Oh...I know you would.

Calm Down Ladies, He likes Dane Cook

There he is. A boy and his dog.

In return for following my blog (yes I bribe...deal with it) I promised my buddy Kyle that I would write a post about him.

So for all you ladies out there (meaning the four of you that actually read this) Kyle is single and ready to mingle. I know what you're thinking "but that guy looks totally gay?" I know right! But no...he isn't and he's looking for a special lady to drink a protein shake with him. Although, truth be told his relationship with his friend Steve is questionable at best.

But I digress.

Are you looking for a fulfilling and lasting relationship? Let me just stop you right there, Kyle's not the one for you. He hates commitment almost as much as empty calories. BUT if you're looking for a night on the town (Dave and Busters) and maybe some dancing (rollin' the dice) then we might have ourselves a love connection! But don't call me to complain the first time he makes you watch Family Guy, I warned you when I wrote the words "Dane Cook."

When 2 Become 1

Does this picture blow your mind?!!! Because if it doesn't you're the least funny person on the planet. Someone built a cat transformer! Also, I just decided Optimus Prime would be an amazing name for a cat. Second to Billy Ocean of course.

I won't take up your time blabbing. I think it's important that everyone ponder this picture and think about the possibility of cats that turn into robots then into Camaros.

I want to go to there.

Thanks for the pic Ms. Katie.

30 Rock Thursdays!

This is my first installment of 30 Rock Thursdays. At least one post a week will be dedicated to the best show on televsion. It also happens to be my favorite show and frankly if you're one of the three people following this blog it's probably yours too. Ok favorite non reality show (happy Kara).

The season premiere of 30 Rock is October 15th so to celebrate I'm going to post MY favorite show moments (at least those that are available on you tube).

Of course I'm open to suggestions. Nothing stupid though, this is a serious blog.

Rhode Island 1 Delaware 0

Oh Rhode Island you saucy minx. It's legal for teens to strip! You just showed Delaware who's boss. As if they didn't already have a complex!

So apparently there's a loophole in Rhode Island's law that makes it legal for under eighteeners to strip as long as they're home by 11:30pm. Cool, now it's the smallest state AND the perviest. Or maybe I'm just being unromantic. Sorry Rhode Island I've been known to be insensitive. Please forgive me.

Ok this isn't an entirely new story but I'm not on the interwebs for the news. I'm on here to look at adorable pictures of kittens and to judge celebrities. Fine! truth be told I found out from an episode of Tyra Banks. Don't you start! I already judged me and I was really mean.

I know what you're wondering and Tyra Banks does in fact frown upon teen stripping. Yeah, I'm still trying to wrap my mind grapes around that too.

Oh, and if you're wondering about the picture of Rhode Island. It's a hell of alot safer to google Rhode Island at work than teen stripping. Right? Or am I being unromantic again?

Today is a Magnificent Day (too much?)

The blog title is true.

I accidentally created a blog trying to follow my friend Katie's (plug: http://flynnandmeg-underoath.blogspot.com/) so I'm just going with it. This is probably a huge mistake that will result in Katie and I not being friends anymore. Or maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to ditch that zero and get with a hero (Tina Fey, I want to be on you). Either way this.shit.is.happening.

I haven't EXACTLY decided what to write about, but that's not important. What's important is that you people will read it and love it. Alright fine...you'll find it mildly amusing at best, but keep that to yourselves. I have low self esteem.