Zombie Blog: Did You Miss Me?

If you said no, then I hate you. I took a brief leave of absence from blogging in order to eat, drink, and accept gifts from my family. It was real adorable like. Now I'm fresh from a two day nap and ready to party. And of course, by party I mean, write my blog. New Years Resolution: Be Awesome (check).

If I were a Zombie I would take out Gainesville, Florida first.

This isn't exactly breaking news, but hackers in Gainesville, FL changed some traffic signs last week to say that zombies were attacking. Personally, I wish it had been a real zombie attack because I have a few people that I would gladly sacrifice in order to save myself. Or I would blantantly throw them in front of a horde of hungry zombies while I just stand on the side and do nothing. I'll have Doritos so I'll be fine.  Either way, I'm cool with a zombie outbreak. In fact, I think infecting some bitches with the zombie plague would really spice up New Year's Eve. I'm gonna make some calls so if you're attending the No Pants New Year's Eve Party, you might want to watch your drinks. Don't worry about the zombie plague effecting New Year's Eve though. It just like rufies except you stay awake and have an insatiable need to feed on human flesh. Totally harmless.

JTT Blog: It's a Christmas Miracle!

Last night I spent a lovely evening with my mother watching cheezy Hallmark Christmas movies (if you must know, yes, it does exacerbate the fact that I'm empty inside). Anyway, the most amazing thing happened! A preview for the Friday Night Hallmark Christmas movie came on and guess what?!!!!

IT'S STARRING JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS.

It's not recent, but don't you worry, he's super hot in it. For the fellas, it also stars a young Jessica Biel. It's from 1998, when I was 13. Shut up you.

Upon recieving this wonderful news, my first thought naturally was that I still totally had a chance with JTT.

My reasons were:

1) I love him
2) He's adorable
3) There's no way he isn't still hot
4) He's not gay
5) Somehow, after all these years, he still senses that I'm the one

My mother almost immediately crushed my hopes and dreams by telling me there's absolutely no way JTT will ever fall in love with me. Then she made me a cup of whiskey and tea. She always makes that for me when I get fussy.

Christmas Blog: Don't Be Such a Scrooge

According to that all important communication device facebook, my dear Uncle Paul is having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit. I get that. I hate having to buy stuff for OTHER people. But this time of year we should be thinking about other people and how important family is...I guess. As my friend Emily so eloquently put it, we all need a friendly reminder of what Christmas is all about.

The Big J:

Airport Blog: Oh Hai Houston!

For some reason my travels lately have required a couple of brief stops in Texas. Today, I'm in Houston. The birthplace of the Accidental Blogger. That's right, on April 25, 1981, my mother gave birth to a baby so large that they thought I was twins. The doctor thought my butt was an entirely separate baby. And you wonder why I have such high self esteem.

I'm attempting to take in the State of Texas while walking through the Houston Airport.

Here's what I have so far:

1) The people aren't nearly as fat as I assumed they were. Everyone says Houston is full of fatties. I thought I was going to exit the plane and find the last five seasons of The Biggest Loser all sitting together eating ribs. Well they aren't. I had spaghetti for lunch.

2) Texas likes to take things that already exist and rename them to make them more Texas-y. I just left a chocolate shop where a company took some chocolate caramel clusters and called them Longhorns. Naturally, I bought some and immediately put five in my mouth. To support Texas of course.

3) Oh hey a bar!

Wanted Blog: Who Knows a Sucker?

You know what this blog needs? If you say good writing and less f bombs you might as well stop reading now. This blog needs a gimmick. A shameless gimmick just to get this blog attention. So, my friends Shelbfest and Emily have come up with the first blog gimmick of 2010. We'll call it "I Didn't Think They Would Actually Be Blind, Date 2010."

Here's how it will work. One of you guys set me up on a blind date, and since I'm incapable of making my own decisions I'm going to turn to you in my preparation. Things like, what to wear, what to say, what NOT to say ( I mess that up about as often as you would think). You get the idea. It will be a series of blog posts dedicated to allowing you to watch me inevitably fail. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this fail has the potential to be pretty epic. You won't want to miss your chance to be a part of it. 

If you need basic guidelines, please see my most recent Advice Blog. Hilarious and good looking are pretty large pluses, and if you happen to know a guy with a British accent that won't hurt either. Please use your best judgment here people. My self confidence is hanging by a thread and Robert Downey Jr. not calling me back isn't helping.

Panda Blog: Yep, Still Trying to Save Them

Panda style?

According to the Associated Press, Australian and Chinese officials are attempting to get a pair of bamboo-munching (innuendo?) pandas to make some baby pandas (adorable!). If you saw my last panda blog, you know I'm definitely on board for panda procreation. They're cute, and there needs to be enough pandas to end the war in Iraq. You know, because their fuzzy exterior is bulletproof. Not that anyone would have the GALL to shoot a panda anyway.

OK, I'm reading the article and I don't see any mention of alcohol, rufies, or R. Kelly so I'm not sure how Australia/China are going to pull this off. Maybe there will be some sort of romantic spaghetti dinner involved. Usually, I would take this opportunity to tell these officials how to do their jobs, but I'm currently eating Doritos for dinner while sitting alone with only facebook chat and a Coke to console me. Seriously you guys, I'm doing really great.

Christmas Blog: Buy Me Stuff

Notice I named this post the Christmas Blog and NOT the Holiday Blog. You know why? Because I'm not going down with the rest of you heathens. Like the ACLU! Just kidding ACLU, you know I love civil liberties.

Let's get into the Christmas spirit shall we. There's snow on the ground, and it's been consistently below 20 degrees for five days. So cold in fact, that Flynn's dad's nipples were so hard they actually cut class, true story. OK not quite, but that man's nipples cutting glass actually makes me less uncomfortable than the racial slurs he threw out during a lovely sit down dinner. The ACLU would not approve.

In honor of Christmas, I've started thinking about the free stuff I want from people that will show up under my mother's Christmas tree. I haven't had a chance to really think about a list. I've got some of the usual things already down like money, power, and, of course, world peace. But I need to think about specifics. Luckily, there's always the work Secret Santa. Flynn sent me the Secret Santa Survey for her office and it really got me thinking about what's important during Christmas (no, not the holidays, don't you THINK it).

Lucky for you, I filled that shit out. Shop smart people.

Writing Workshop Blog: This Is How We Do It

Many of you are probably wondering how such blog genius is honed and crafted into my posts. Well today is your lucky day because I'm going to give you a sneak peak at the kind of conversations I have that lead to blog inspiration. These conversations are scary, dark, twisted, slightly illegal, and disturbing in the sense that small animals run when I step outside. Look, the crazy has to start somewhere. My friend (meh) Flynn has very eloquently typed a transcript of one of our many violent altercations discussions. So if you need you some strange, I have just the thing. Who Would You Rather? Bone.

Disclaimer: God Fearing Christians ought not to click.

Music Blog: This Video is Awesome Like...

...a Jonas brother who took off his purity ring to let me make a man out of him. I get the feeling you don't believe that actually happened. Well, that's because I'm lying. I'm not even that into the Jonas Brothers. That young Jonathan Taylor Thomas is way more my type. What do you mean he's not 13 anymore? Next you'll be telling me Daniel Radcliffe is actually of age now. Wait...really?

Worst.Day.Ever.
 



I don't care what you think. I think this video is bad-ass and it makes me happy to this day that I own a leather jacket. I might even take up smoking. I mean it already looks cool on Mad Men and now this video. Yep I'm buying a pack now. Probably won't buy a gun though. As cool as this video is I'm pretty sure light literally shining through you isn't a good thing. But it looks really good on Jack White. I'm gonna watch it again.

Advice Blog: Rule #48, You Get MY Blessing Suckas

It's been too long. I wrote this post and then left it sitting lonely and sad like a kitten without another kitten.  I'm sorry blog readers. It won't happen again. Now on to the post.

Ok, family, we need to talk. We need to talk about your inability to match make. We also need to talk about your inability to follow the rules. The most important rule being, if you're going to set MY sister up with someone you get them approved by ME first. Seems simple enough doesn't it. Well, that important step was skipped this last thanksgiving, and because of your carelessness, family, tragedy ensued.

What kind of tragedy? It's hard to talk about. But for you I will. Here's the thing, my poor, darling, innocent  sister wore a fabulous outfit that day and DIDN'T make a love connection. She was devasted! Think of the children! Think of when she could wear that outfit again! Wow, I wasn't sure I could even say it out loud, but for the sake of the blog, I had to. Sometimes we find our strength for these important occasions, no? The only other time I found this kind of strength was when I bravely fought through several angry voice mails from said sister after waking up from a tequila drinking contest. I won, so everyone just calm down

Let's get down to brass tacks. Frankly, I've pretty much hated every guy my sister has ever dated. Except for the 40 year old dude. He was a nice guy. Alas, the issue in their relationship was numerical and for another post. Here's my point. Wouldn't you maybe, just maybe, run the dude by me first? At least give me the chance to say I hate him BEFORE he starts dating my sister. It will just save everyone time here. Let's save the setting up of my sibling until Christmas when I'm in the same state at least. But in case of emergency, I've devised a simple check list for you.

1. Does he have a job?
2. Is he under the age of 30?
3. Does he have any illegitimate children?
4. Does he have a criminal background?
5. Does he have any affiliation with Florida, Miami, or Ohio State?

All I'm asking is for two yes's and three no's. Sadly, when it comes to my sister's ex-boyfriends this is a hell of a lot easier said than done. And truthfully, family, if you set her up with a dude successfully, it would be an adorable story. I would even venture to say romantic. That is, if I wasn't already dead inside.