Disaster Blog: Where's My Wallet With All That Money In It?

As I'm sure most of you are aware there was a horrific earthquake in Haiti. I'm going to move on quickly from that because there just isn't alot of comedy in natural disasters where orphans are involved. Except for that awesome Disney Movie Oliver and Company. There was a tsunami in that one right? Well, it was a weak joke and it involved Disney. Sue me.

Like you, I watched the news last night and got pretty weepy, and it wasn't even because Ann Curry was reporting (she hit a panda once, but in her defense she thought...well she just didn't think did she!) All jokes aside, it's terrible what's happened and after watching footage of the devastation in Haiti, I wanted to do my part to help. So I checked my bank account to see what I could send (unlike the popular assumption, I am infact, not heartless). Just as I suspected...$4. This Blog just isn't the cash cow I thought it would be. "Well," I thought, " I guess I'll have to wait to donate."

My change of heart must have angered the telethon gods because they conjured a force that I can't refuse. Not in a million years. No one can. The Gentleman Caller himself:

George Clooney

You're writing checks right now aren't you? George Clooney and MTV are teaming up to do a telethon to benefit Haitian earthquake relief. The telethon will air January 22 and, George Clooney, lucky for you that's pay day. Even if it wasn't I would give plasma, sell a kidney, or steal a baby to make it work. George Clooney, you tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I don't even need a safe word (pterodactyl).

Date Blog: The Blind Leading the Blind

So...uh.... I guess I have a date the weekend after next...a blind one. Well shit. To be totally honest, I didn't really think I'd have to follow through with this whole blog gimmick thing. Then Shelbfest had to get all saucy and and actually find someone!

Lucky for you, you get to watch the spectacle. We'll get into specifics (dress, talk, food) later, but first, I want to hear some awesome date stories from you. I need the " I wish someone would've told me this" tidbits. The more embarrassing the better. I'm taking some of you down with me and, frankly, I could use all the help I can get.

I hope he looks like Jon Hamm.

Beat that Beat Blog: Jersey Shore Lovin'

You know I love a good love story. You know this because, as reader of this blog, you're aware that I am not the least bit angry, bitter, or cynical. It's true. Those of you that don't believe in eternal love should do yourselves a favor and watch more MTV. I remember the first episode of Jersey Shore I ever watched. Sammi and Ronni had just had a big fight (cuz he was grindin up on some skank and she got that guy's numba). But then they sobered up and they made up and said "I can't lose you, Jersey Shore Housemate." And as I wept on the couch at the romance of it all, I thought, "My God, those crazy kids just might make it."

Called it, thanks People Magazine.

Thanks Sammi and Ronni for reminding how important and tenacious young love is. Actually, what they really reminded me was that I need to start training for my next dance battle. Thank God, there's a new training video by Lindsay to help show us how to Beat that Beat! If you're in a relationship don't worry, it's not cheating if you dance battle to house music. But if it's to R&B, you're gonna need to wash the dirty whore off you...whore.



Did you see that kick? Suck.on.that.

Thanks to Jon for, unlike myself, actually knowing how to use a computer.

Rant Blog: This Will Just Take A Second

I realize a total of four people read my blog, so what I say really doesn't matter. But that doesn't mean I can't rant right? What else am I gonna do after drinking a bottle of wine and eating a pound of tootsie rolls?

Conan O' Brien is the absolute shit. There's no getting around it.

Guess who is NOT the shit? Jay fucking Leno that's who. I would watch every single other late night host, but not you, Jay Leno, not you. I'm sure you're a swell guy, but your primetime show was not successful because it wasn't funny. You said you were leaving now leave. Please.

Conan, you are a goddamn gentleman.

Lament Blog: NPH, You Look Good in a Suit

I'm currently watching the People's Choice Awards and so far I'm pretty disgusted at what I see. The jokes on the show are really bad...and this is coming from a girl who laughed out loud at the joke "What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? Dam." F you I hadn't heard it before...and I was drunk. It was free bloody mary day on Southwest! What am I supposed to NOT order one?

Tiger Woods jokes? It's like you're not even trying, People's Choice Awards. How are actors so unfunny?

Well, through all the bad jokes, mediocre movies winning awards, and a drunk Mariah Carey, a How I Met Your Mother preview came on and all was right with the world. Until, I remembered that Neil Patrick Harris is gay and will never love me. Now I'm weeping in a corner of my apartment and drinking balsamic vinegar (I didn't have any wine and I figured it was close enough). Turns out it doesn't get you drunk, but it still makes you look like you have wine mouth.

Yeah, dream on all the NOT dudes.

In a perfect world I would be out in a desert in the middle east and I would come across a lamp. I would think to myself, "hmmmm, this lamp looks kinda dirty." Then I would rub it and a holy shit a genie would come flying out! This is my scenario, so the genie will actually be Robert Downy Jr. RDJ will say, "hello beautiful young lady, I'm your genie and I will grant you three wishes."

Yeah I've though about this.

Three wishes:

1. Neil Patrick Harris no longer likes dudes
2. He falls in love with me
3. Well, the genie is RDJ sooooo devil's threesome?

Am I being too greedy? FINE, world peace then.

Bachelor Blog: Maybe I'm Not a Total Failure?

Blog readers, I can't lie. I've really been lacking inspiration lately. Nothing was speaking to me and saying "judge this so you feel better about yourself." I was starting to think it would be the end of the accidental blogger. And then...the clouds parted and a shining beacon of light shown down onto my television. Then a deep, rumbling voice said to me "watch The Bachelor and all your blog dreams will come true." Yeah that's right, God gave me my blog inspiration tonight. It's probably because I posted a video declaring how awesome it is to be a friend of Jesus (Zap!).

I'm relatively new to the Bachelor/Bachelorette, but believe me, I can appreciate how awesome it is to watch people fail on TV. So far tonight, I've seen three girls cry, one girl tell a bad dirty joke in Cambodian (if only it had been in Cantonese), a girl who brought flash cards on a date, and a girl who put on a skanky flight attendant costume to get "the bachelor's" attention. I can't really be mad at that though because I'm still saving my Joy Behar costume for the right guy. That could be all yours RDJ. Think about it.

Return From Christmas Vacation Blog: Farts

I've returned from the elderly and humid state of Florida to the young and spry state of Colorado. Hey, guess what productive things I've done since I've been back. Slept, watched TV, and, naturally, I've killed at some karaoke. Have I unpacked? No. Have I cleaned my house? Nope. Did I order $19 worth of Thai food so I wouldn't have to leave my apartment today? Yes. Am I on msn.com right now reading bartender tips on how to pick up someone in a bar? Yes. Will I ever be successful in utilizing these tips? Define success.

Well, I did pay a parking ticket today so I got that going for me.