Dessert Blog: Because I Like Eating and I Have Nothing Else to Write About

I recently joined a yoga studio. Yeah, I'm totally going to get lean and mean and in touch with my inner everything. This decision wasn't based on a need to have spiritual awareness. This decision was made because I was recently asked to be in a wedding...a beach wedding.

Where at one point these were suggested as the preferred garb.

So help me.

So I'm eating salad and an orange and I go to yoga. But I was reminded about something today. Something magical. Something delicious. Something so tempting, I literally haven't stopped thinking about it for two hours.

The Cake and Shake from Dessert Bar.

Take a good look at it. And you thought Jon Hamm was handsome.

It was created by one Keegan "Keegsy" Gerhart for the lucky people of Denver, Colorado. I like to get my cake with a chocolate malt. Yeah, that's right, I'm not playing around. MALT! Today, when I begin weeping in yoga, it won't be because I've been in the same position for fifteen minutes. No, it will be for you, my beautiful and delicious Jon Hamm-like dessert. Everything I do is for you.  

Sharktopus Blog: Yeah, Ok, I Guess This Could Happen

Never underestimate the romance that goes on under the sea. There's no STDs in the ocean right? So why wouldn't a shark and an octopus get frisky one night. They were probably all bored and that red coral gets you super high. So what would their illegitimate child look like?

Well, a Sharktopus of course!

And he shall henceforth be known as Peter the Sharktopus.

Syfy is fully taking advantage of the awesomeness that is the creature feature and greenlighted the film "Sharktopus." If they do it correctly, this film should cost about $5 so the producers are poised to make some bank. Syfy, I'm willing to do the movie for $1.50 and a bag of Twizzlers. Just make sure my leading man is either in a band or a ginger. Thank you to one Miss Andrea for bring this to my attention. Oh, is your mother not scouring the internet for new shark movies? Well, then I guess she doesn't love you.

UPDATE

Good news! There's a Dinoshark movie coming too!

Which of course leads to the question of all questions. Who would win in a fight to the death between a Sharktopus and Dinoshark? I don't know readers. I'm not a fucking scientist.

Assassination Blog: I bet George Clooney was in on it

That sneaky salt and peppered minx.

I was going to be a secret agent once, but then a job at Coldstone Creamery opened up and what was I supposed to do? I took that shit. Where do you think I honed my karaoke skills?

Naturally, I regret my decision because if you're a secret agent you do cool things like assassinations. You could impress people with that job. And I'm not just talking about your average ginger here. Do you think George Clooney gets all those hot chicks because he's a "famous actor?" Well, if you do I can't blame you. He's a great spy. Probably the best. I'd let that guy go all Dexter on me anyday. Wait...

Authorities in Dubai are looking for the assassins (great musical, by the way) of Hamas chief Mahmoud Mabhouh. He was killed last month when several trained assassins (I'm going to keep saying it) smothered him in his hotel room. They were in disguises! Wigs and everything! Maybe John Cusack was in on it too. If I had known spies were actually that theatrical I would have turned down that Coldstone job and bought myself a sweet black jumpsuit.

Here's how you do it. Clean.

Olympic Blog: Those Chinese Figure Skate Better than They Breed Pandas

Communism = awesome figure skating. You didn't know that? What, did you not spend President's Day inside watching winter sports? Oh, you went on a hike. Seriously? Physical activity disgusts me. Unless, I'm watching it on TV and eating. Eating does not disgust me. I wish it did.

Well, like an actual American, I watched the Olympics all day. By the way, the United States leads in the medal count, but ya know I don't want to brag (We're fucking awesome). I'm never more patriotic than during the Olympic Games. Because I love winning. That's why I made a mistake watching pairs figure skating. Who am I kidding, I was bored and what else was I gonna do? Go to the gym? NO.

 

Xue Shen and Hongbo Zhao

Yeah, they won the gold medal. Yeah, they're still Chinese. Yeah, they're married. And, oh yeah, he proposed to her on the ice at the World Championships. Eh Adorable. Hey, USA figure skating, don't make me write about the Chinese again. Good day.

Charity Blog: I Expect Nothing Less Ohio

If you know me, you know there's two things I love. Charity and Ohio (no fucking way). BUT, what if the geniuses in Ohio added a third thing for me to love? Say stripping?

 

Oh everyone calm down, it's for charity.

The philanthropic owners (read: marketing geniuses) of Marilyn's on Monroe (get it?) in Toledo, Ohio held "Lap Dances for Haiti" this past Saturday night. They raised $1000 for the earthquake victims. I guess that beats the hell out of the $25 I gave during the George Clooney telethon. I told you I would do it for you, George. I'll do anything for you. 

Let's learn an important lesson from the state of Ohio. Stripping saves lives people. Haitian lives. Don't send supplies, water, or man power. That's not gonna help a small Haitian child without a home. We need to head to the nearest nudey bar and get some boobs in our face. Fork over some ones to see some sweet cheeks spread to the tune of "Private Dancer." THAT is how you help a developing country. 

You haven't thought of that shit have you, Wyclef Jean? How about you pay a visit to Toledo, Ohio and actually learn to how to help people. Bouzin.

Pickle Blog: I'm Writing this on Nyquil

I'm a little under the weather, but does that stop me from telling you what to do? No fucking way.

 

 McClure's Pickles, put them in my mouth.

I realize this blog is focusing on food right now, but I can't help that I need food to fill the gaping hole in me. I have a tendency to watch the Food Network from time to time (insert the sarcastic nooooo sound here).Well, tonight I was watching chefs talk about themselves when one of them turned to one of my favorite topics, pickles. I love pickles. I eat them everyday and I am bloated and I don't care. Because it's worth it. Recently, thanks to a deli chain here in Denver, I was introduced to a spicy pickle. Say What! You bet your ass it's a delight. 

The Food Network has guided me to a pickle company outside of Detroit that sells (according to them) a delicious spicy pickle. Naturally, I've googled those mofo's, but there is one problem. They only sell in quantities of 12 jars. Now, I could take a weekend and polish off 12 jars of pickles no problem, but binge eating is the worst kind of social suicide youknowwhatI'msayin'! I believe the phrase is no "pickle" fatties. Anyway, who wants to go in on some gourmet delicious pickles and help the great state of Michigan's ummm problematic economy? If you tell me no, I can't be held responsible for my actions. I'm unreasonable as it is and your bitch ass can take your ( I can't think of anything, the Nyquil has kicked in and all I see are white spots, kittens, and Alton Brown. It's not so bad in this place).

Meat Blog: Dolla Dolla Ribs Y'all!

We're not gonna talk about dating in this post. I've given up. Even my therapist has made subtle jabs at how bad I am at it. She makes fun of me and then I pay her. It's how our sessions go.

I've been a vegetarian for about four months now and I don't often look back. But, this morning, oh this morning I saw what will truly be my white whale.

Brothers BBQ has dollar ribs on Thursdays.

I can eat some mother fuckin ribs people. I've been known to take out a rack and a half faster than you can say, "Hey, you got sauce on your boobs." And I like all kinds of ribs...all kinds...spare, baby back, beef! What's that ribs? You don't have plans for Valentines Day? Well, how about I slip into something a little more comfortable, and you and I have a night in with some baked beans and coleslaw. All you got to do is bring some sweet tea and your delicous ass.

Best Date Ever