Pickle Blog: I'm Writing this on Nyquil

I'm a little under the weather, but does that stop me from telling you what to do? No fucking way.

 

 McClure's Pickles, put them in my mouth.

I realize this blog is focusing on food right now, but I can't help that I need food to fill the gaping hole in me. I have a tendency to watch the Food Network from time to time (insert the sarcastic nooooo sound here).Well, tonight I was watching chefs talk about themselves when one of them turned to one of my favorite topics, pickles. I love pickles. I eat them everyday and I am bloated and I don't care. Because it's worth it. Recently, thanks to a deli chain here in Denver, I was introduced to a spicy pickle. Say What! You bet your ass it's a delight. 

The Food Network has guided me to a pickle company outside of Detroit that sells (according to them) a delicious spicy pickle. Naturally, I've googled those mofo's, but there is one problem. They only sell in quantities of 12 jars. Now, I could take a weekend and polish off 12 jars of pickles no problem, but binge eating is the worst kind of social suicide youknowwhatI'msayin'! I believe the phrase is no "pickle" fatties. Anyway, who wants to go in on some gourmet delicious pickles and help the great state of Michigan's ummm problematic economy? If you tell me no, I can't be held responsible for my actions. I'm unreasonable as it is and your bitch ass can take your ( I can't think of anything, the Nyquil has kicked in and all I see are white spots, kittens, and Alton Brown. It's not so bad in this place).

Meat Blog: Dolla Dolla Ribs Y'all!

We're not gonna talk about dating in this post. I've given up. Even my therapist has made subtle jabs at how bad I am at it. She makes fun of me and then I pay her. It's how our sessions go.

I've been a vegetarian for about four months now and I don't often look back. But, this morning, oh this morning I saw what will truly be my white whale.

Brothers BBQ has dollar ribs on Thursdays.

I can eat some mother fuckin ribs people. I've been known to take out a rack and a half faster than you can say, "Hey, you got sauce on your boobs." And I like all kinds of ribs...all kinds...spare, baby back, beef! What's that ribs? You don't have plans for Valentines Day? Well, how about I slip into something a little more comfortable, and you and I have a night in with some baked beans and coleslaw. All you got to do is bring some sweet tea and your delicous ass.

Best Date Ever

Crush Blog: Who Needs Actual Success?

Not this Blogger.

Did anyone notice the Chinese comment I recieved in my last post? You see blog readers, love really does conquer all boundaries. Or maybe, it's just that the Chinese also get how horrifying dating is.

So I've got a plan. I've decided I'm just going to have alot of crushes. It's way easier if you never actually talk to dudes. That way several scenarios can be avoided. For example, they won't have to awkwardly laugh when you make a weird joke about your cat controlling your social calendar (yeah, that happened). OR, I won't ever have to pretend I'm okay with hearing the word "Dave" when I ask a guy what kind of music they listen to.

Yeah, I'm going to stick with not knowing their real names and calling them by the names I've given them. Like Capitol Ginger Boyfriend or Gym Boyfriend (That one's from college, do you think I go to the gym?). In addition, I'll form abnormally high expectations for these guys so that if we ever actually speak, I'll immediately be dissappointed.

But the real plus of having fake crushes is that it makes you dress better. I'm convinced I need to look good everyday just in case I run into Oil and Gas Boyfriend that I've never talked to before. And you never know, maybe someday you'll meet some sucker that's doesn't have a nick name yet, and is completely ok with cat joke or two. Yeah

Date Blog: I Lived to Tell the Tale

The tale of dinner, drinks, and a teen pregnancy movie. Guess which of those three things I regret the most?

So, are you ready for the wealth of blind date knowledge I'm about to drop on you? Put on your gas masks and let's get started.

Lessons from my blind date:

1) Your matchmaker might exaggerate for your benefit- Shelbfest, gotta love her, made my job sound a hell of a lot more interesting than it is. My date gave me the "your job sounds really cool, I'd like to hear about it." In my head, "Well, I guess I better leave out the part where I booked plane tickets and ordered lunch for people today." What I actually said, "oh yes, I'm very important, like Rom Emanuel to the Obama Administration." He got confused so I asked him where he was from. Learning to change the subject for my benefit is just one of the things I've learned at my very important job.

2) There's never a loss of conversation because you don't know anything about each other- Where are you from? What do you like to do for fun? What's your favorite band? Where did you go to college? Who would win with a fight between a giant octopus and a mega shark? The possibilities for conversation are nearly endless. It was at least half way through the date before I realized we didn't even know each other's last names. Thank god I remembered, it makes internet stalking waaaaay easier.

3) Pick the weirdest place to go you can think of- We met at a place called Mercury Cafe, where's there's no shortage of christmas lights, ethnic art, piercings, and apparently on Saturday, teenagers in the tiniest dresses known to man. I'm not sure what the event was, but I'm not ruling out that Mercury Cafe is running an under age prostitution ring. Oh, and they had a palm reader too! She told me I wasn't going to marry Robert Downy Jr. so I bitch slapped her in the mouth. Luckily my date was in the bathroom and I came up with a good reason why we were being escorted from the restaurant. "For protection." He doesn't ask questions, I like that about him.

4) Maybe India Pale Ales aren't the best thing to order on a date- Sure it brought out that drunken charm I'm so well known for (no? alright then), but getting too drunk on a date can lead to some bad decision making. It's not what you're thinking, let's go ahead and skip to number five.

5) Date + Teen Pregnancy Movie = Are You Insane?- It was my own fault. I let it happen. I got a little tipsy and somehow my date and I ended up at my friend Emily's watching a movie about a teenage pregnancy pact. What.the.hell.

All in all. I'm not against going on another blind date. I mean, the first ten minutes were about as awkward as I've felt since seeing the movie Cradle 2 the Grave on a date in 2003. It starred DMX so I guess the Italian guy I was with was into hip-hop...or kidnapping. I'm still bummed I left my umbrella in that dude's car.

Concert Blog: I'm So In the Know

If you read my friend Flynn's blog (and you should because she's funny as hell. That's why we're friends, we stroke each others egos. Ehem) you may have seen her post about a sweet ass Denver band called Snake Rattle Rattle Snake. Well, tonight's their EP release party and I'm going to that shit. Truthfully, I'm not really that in the know. I just happen to have cooler friends that are nice enough to invite me to these things. Other things that I get invited to include massive lesbian dance parties. It was awesome, but that's for another post.

I was going to put a video up, but here's the thing. I'm terrified of snakes. Especially rattle snakes. When you google or you tube the band Snake Rattle Rattle Snake you get alot of scary pictures/videos of gigantic rattle snakes lunging for your jugular. Those mother fuckers will kill you...in the face.

So you're not getting a video. I just barely stopped crying long enough to write this. The fact that I simultaneously hate rattle snakes and love this bad is turning into a real conflict. Thanks alot, snakes. Maybe you can take away ice cream from me too, or maybe Ryan Reynolds! You jerks!

Date Blog: Yeah...I'm Still Doing This

Alrighty, the date is set, the place is set, and I got rid of Tom Selleck. I just have one more thing to deal with.

What the fuck am I going to wear to this thing?

Well, assuming clothes are not optional at Mercury Cafe (yeah, go ahead and laugh, but if you've been to "The Merc" you know it's completely possible clothing could be optional. They have slam poetry and a tiger on the wall) I'll need a sweet outfit to distract my "date" from the lame/racist/dirty/shark jokes I'm going to be nervously spouting all night.

So what's the best way to distract? Dress? Jeans? Rack (that counts right?)?  This is where you come in readers. It's called being interactive. I can't make date decisions alone!

Also, Shelbfest informed me yesterday that a dude in NYC wanted to date me just based on reading my blog. Yeah, that's right. Next stop... Pulitzer.

Date Blog: Advice from My Mother

Well, it's Blind Date Week! It's like Shark Week except there's less footage of Shark's eating chum, and more discussion about my insecurities. Don't worry, I'm just as mean to myself as I am to other people.

So, in my first blind date post I asked my readers to share some of your best of the worst date stories. I'm here to announce the best bad date story I received (by the way, you can email if the blog thing is too scary, sissies). Who sent in the best date story?

None other than my dear mother:

"Best wishes for an interesting blind date! I hope you have better luck than I did with my Jon Hamm lookalike...... within the first hour of sharing sushi he told me 1) his bipolar was much better now that he was on medicine, but that he just wasn't as much fun as the party boy he used to be. When he danced all nite and took his first dates to the tables in Las Vegas or to breakfast for beignets in New Orleans (why couldn't I have met him then) 2) He had trouble 'getting the old wanker to wiggle' since his last girlfriend (the pole dancer) and wondered if I was willing to help rehabilitate him 3) He didn't tip the waiter and 4) He he did not believe in condoms (worst blunder ever!)"

So...now I guess I have to devise a clever comeback to "I don't believe in condoms." How about: "Oh me neither, you haven't lived to you've felt the subtle burn of Chlymidia. It's like an 18 year old scotch, am I right?"  * Holds hand up for high-five*