You Bet Your Sweet Ass It's Twihard Tuesday

Oh wow...yeah that's a really cool tattoo...*throws up*

I think we've all seen our share of ridiculous tattoos. I know I have. It's pretty awkward to say the least when your friend shows you their "awesome new" tribal tattoo. Uncomfortably you reply, "Oh wow, that's TOTALLY what I would get if I ever got a tattoo.” But as bad as that seems, pray to god you never meet any of these imbeciles. I love these books to the point where I write blogs about statutory rape, but never in a million years would this be okay. 

Did you hear what I said? Statutory rape is less creepy than this tattoo.

The calf...THE CALF! Cool, you've now doomed yourself to wearing pants for the rest of your life for a tattoo of floating hands holding an apple. I hope you're okay being alone because you will NOT find a husband or boyfriend or even a lonely homeless guy with that on your leg. Don't believe me? Ok fine, you asked for it calf tattoo. One night you'll have had a few too many, meet a nice ex-wall street millionaire living on the streets. You'll think to yourself  "I've been pretty unlucky in love lately; maybe this one could finally work out." You'll buy him some Boone's Farm (the blue one of course) at the corner store and you guys will find a nice park bench to snuggle up on. Then things get hot and heavy and he lifts up your right pant leg. He'll stop, take a large swig of Boone's and say "Ya know, you're a really nice girl and everything, but I think we should just be friends." Did that hurt calf tattoo? Are you happy now? Because Robert Pattinson is never gonna love you.

Advice Blog: Lessons from Boz Scaggs

The Art of the Perfect Karaoke Song.

I don't consider myself an expert in many things. Ok that's a lie, I know pretty much everything. But I have a particular expertise in choosing a good karaoke song. Before you get too green with envy know that this didn't happen overnight. This particular skill set has taken years to perfect. Along the way there's been many a misstep. For example, there was the great Tracy Chapman catastrophe of 2008, or the David Bowie Space Odyssey disaster in the same year. If you thought Hurricane Katrina was bad... well then you've never heard me attempt "Fast Car." I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. It’s just not okay to let your friends even think about attempting “Red Light Special.”

There are several rules to go by when picking out a karaoke song:

1. Don't pick a slow song: It's just going to drag everyone down if you sing "Dust in the Wind." It won't be funny and you're not Will Ferrell.

2. Sing a song you actually know the words to: Sure singing R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It" seems like a fantastic idea on the surface, but trust me, you don't know the words and you're going to look like an idiot. No one likes to watch you struggle on stage.

3. Don't Sing Journey, Bon Jovi, or Neil Diamond before ten o' clock: Look, there might be people that disagree with me on this, but those people are drunks. These are peak songs and you can't just bring them out all willy-nilly. If you're going to be a douche, sing John Mayer. Also, it's ok to sing Neil Diamond songs that aren't "Sweet Caroline." Why don't more people sing "Coming to America?" That song would rule at karaoke!

4. F Bombs are totally OK to throw into a song: I don't care if you're performing a duet with your grandma. If there's an instrumental pause, you throw in those f bombs. Jon Griffin gave one of the best karaoke performances of all time singing Mambo #5. And it's all thanks to the F bomb. If Miley Cyrus was even remotely talented she would have told her fans to “fucking deal with it” a long time ago.

5. Don't bite off more than you can chew: I'm looking at everyone who's even thought about doing Whitney and Mariah. I'm guilty of this myself, and you can pull off pretty much anything with a few sweet dance moves and an f bomb. But let's leave these ladies to the talented people. This goes double for the people that pick slow Mariah and Whitney (Hero, I Will Always Love You). Are you bloody insane?! That's breaking two cardinal karaoke rules. L.J., you keep doing as much early Whitney as you want. You're one of the talented ones.

6. Keep an open mind: This is kinda vague I know, but if you see a peppy song you like that is not by any of the artists listed above and you happen to know the words. Give it a shot. You would be extremely surprised at how well Annie Lennox goes over at karaoke. And Toto's Africa...I did.not.see.that.shit.coming.

...but I should have because I'm a goddamn professional.

Today is a Magnificent Day (too much?)

The blog title is true.

I accidentally created a blog trying to follow my friend Katie's (plug: http://flynnandmeg-underoath.blogspot.com/) so I'm just going with it. This is probably a huge mistake that will result in Katie and I not being friends anymore. Or maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to ditch that zero and get with a hero (Tina Fey, I want to be on you). Either way this.shit.is.happening.

I haven't EXACTLY decided what to write about, but that's not important. What's important is that you people will read it and love it. Alright fine...you'll find it mildly amusing at best, but keep that to yourselves. I have low self esteem.