European Blog: An Open Letter to Rick Steves

Dear Rick Steves,

For months I've watched you travel through Europe explaining everything from cheese making in the Swiss Alps to the hot springs in Budapest, Hungary. I've spent many a relaxing morning enjoying your journey through the beer gardens of Munich. You should know these are some of the most magical times of my life. Times when I can just let all my troubles go and watch you tell the histories of churches and town squares.

You know why, Rick? Can I call you Rick? Rick, it's because you radiate pure sexual energy. It's the kind of man heat my mother used to warn me about as a child. You are pure fucking sex, Rick Steves. I know it's true because I can feel it through my television. When you went to Florence and stood next to the statue of David and you, how do I say this, made that statue look like a gigantic pussy?

You’re better than art; you're fucking Rick Steves.

Of course, some may disagree with me. They'll tell me that your voice is weird and high and that you're just a nerdy nerd face. I know better though. I know that beneath your pastel button up shirt and pleaded khaki's there's the kind of man that'll take a girl to see a Viennese string quartet like a motherfucker. And don't even get me started on when you have your jacket tossed over your shoulder. What are you just toying with me? Is this just a game to you, Rick Steves?!

I can tell your producers know what I know, and they're using it to suck me in. That's why those bastards began the Budapest episode with you shirtless playing chess in a pool filled with Hungarian man candy and mustaches. Ryan Reynolds couldn't pull that off.

So I stayed on my couch and watched the entire episode. How could I walk away from you, Rick Steves? How?

Yours truly,

Meghan

Dating Blog: Just Give Up

I'm not sure if it's good news or bad news, but this ginger thing is apparently not a phase.

My face hurts today. It hurt yesterday too. It hurts because I tried, unsuccessfully, to hit on a ginger this weekend. Theoretically, that's not a big deal. It's not like I successfully hit on guys. The truth is my expectations are pretty low. So low that I recently considered internet dating again. The key word is considered. It was so awful the first time I'll probably be three weeks out of my artificial insemination consultation before a match.com profile gets filled out.

Here's the thing: I attempted to dance with a guy and he accidentally elbowed me in the face. Dead fucking in the middle of my face. I'm talking straight up bow to the nose. I grabbed my face to make sure I still had one and my nose was bleeding.

Do you know what's super hot? Bleeding out of your face. The fellas are all "Man, there's all these chicks here, but I'm just drawn to the one with blood coming out of her nose. It's both elegant and refined."

How do you come back from that? You don't. You giggle way too loud and awkward and say, "oh no big, I'm totally fine!" Then you run to the bathroom and stick tissues up your nose and stare at yourself in the mirror and let out the long and overdue "OWWWWWW FUUUUUUUUCK!" To add insult to injury, it wasn't even tissues, I had to use one-ply toilet paper. I didn't even know that shit existed. And you know what...it shouldn't.

It's okay you guys, this story has a happy ending. It's the part where I passed out on a couch. Thus hopefully assuming I completely gave up and made no effort to talk to that guy again.

Who am I kidding? I probably told him I loved him after my 17th white wine.

Back by Popular Demand Blog: It was Literally One Person

Okay, you win adoring fan.

I'm writing this blog again. I stopped last year because I figured I was about to become very important in my real job. As most of you likely assumed, that was not the case. Therefore I've decided to return to the blogging community (me and Jake Fogelnest I guess). I have a twitter account now so this shit is obviously gonna blow worldwide.

I mean let's think about this. How many people really have the skills to be a hilarious writer (probably everyone)? I should really be sharing this gift with the world and I've shirked my responsibilities. For that, I'm sorry. Terrible things have happened in the last year and I haven't been there to make snarky comments. It's an embarrassment for me and my family. Except my aunt who refuses to read because I say fuck too much. I don't get it. How else am I going to describe panda bears fucking? I will not use "penetration", "penis and vagina", or "making love." That shit is gross and not for the eyes of the internet.

So email me some ideas to write about and I'll continue to think of creative ways to insert my opinion using clever comparisons and references to hot guys.

Let's do this.

Inspiration Blog: Okay I Won't Be Lazy Anymore

I've been lacking a lot of inspiration blog readers. Also, I'm lazy and didn't feel like writing. I can't just give it up when ever you want, okay! I'm not that kind of girl. But then I got the kick in the pants I needed. No, it has nothing to do with actually being inspired to write, but more because I got called out on facebook and like some circus monkey I yielded to my adoring public. Don't worry every single one is related to me.

Well, it's that time of year again! Summertime! I'm headed down south to the land of palm trees, old people, and T.G.I.Fridays. That's where I come from. And, yes, Kenny Chesney ripped off my song idea. Douche.

So to celebrate my impending vacation. I'm going to show one of the greatest movie scenes of all time.



And that was the rap song "Top That" from the movie Teen Witch. You're Welcome

Cats Talking Blog: I Give it 30 Seconds

Till hot dudes are knocking down my door.



These talking cats are adorable. Just like me in a tuxedo bikini. Yep, just gonna sit back and wait for the fellas.


UPDATE

It's been four days. I don't really have much else going on so I'm gonna keep watching this video. That gray cat kinda looks like they have a mustache. Hilarious!!!

Amazon Blog: I'm Doing This

Good news everyone! You can self publish things on Amazon so my "Women of Golden Corral" calendar is finally going to see the light of day.

Hey all you fellas out there, wanna learn you some lady catchin tips? Just check out Tim Curtis' book "All I Know About Women (Volume 1)."  Tim is a reader of mine who's clearly poured years of experience into the life lessons provided in this book. I recommend everyone get themselves a copy now. Before you start planning your long happy life with your new lady friend, remember this, the most important thing about this publication is that it won't help you get women. Not even a little bit. But what it will do is make you feel better after you inevitably fail.

It's called progress.

Twiharder Blog: Clever Girl

You have to say the title with an austrailian accent or it doesn't work. Trust me.

Thanks to my twihard lovin' compadre Flynn for sending me this. I'll have to send her one of those naked ecards of Robert Pattinson. Yeah I know those don't exist, truth be told it was just going to be a naked picture of me with his face taped over mine. I don't know why you had to ruin it. She would've never known. And just for the record, I just purchased some grape leaves so it would've been really tasteful.

The above photo (no doubt taken on the set in Washington for I'm sure it's real) brings up an important question. Who would win in a battle to the death between a vampire and a velociraptor? TRICK QUESTION! They impregnant each other and Bella ends up alone.