Cats Talking Blog: I Give it 30 Seconds

Till hot dudes are knocking down my door.



These talking cats are adorable. Just like me in a tuxedo bikini. Yep, just gonna sit back and wait for the fellas.


UPDATE

It's been four days. I don't really have much else going on so I'm gonna keep watching this video. That gray cat kinda looks like they have a mustache. Hilarious!!!

Amazon Blog: I'm Doing This

Good news everyone! You can self publish things on Amazon so my "Women of Golden Corral" calendar is finally going to see the light of day.

Hey all you fellas out there, wanna learn you some lady catchin tips? Just check out Tim Curtis' book "All I Know About Women (Volume 1)."  Tim is a reader of mine who's clearly poured years of experience into the life lessons provided in this book. I recommend everyone get themselves a copy now. Before you start planning your long happy life with your new lady friend, remember this, the most important thing about this publication is that it won't help you get women. Not even a little bit. But what it will do is make you feel better after you inevitably fail.

It's called progress.

Twiharder Blog: Clever Girl

You have to say the title with an austrailian accent or it doesn't work. Trust me.

Thanks to my twihard lovin' compadre Flynn for sending me this. I'll have to send her one of those naked ecards of Robert Pattinson. Yeah I know those don't exist, truth be told it was just going to be a naked picture of me with his face taped over mine. I don't know why you had to ruin it. She would've never known. And just for the record, I just purchased some grape leaves so it would've been really tasteful.

The above photo (no doubt taken on the set in Washington for I'm sure it's real) brings up an important question. Who would win in a battle to the death between a vampire and a velociraptor? TRICK QUESTION! They impregnant each other and Bella ends up alone.

A Goofy Movie Blog: This is a Good Idea

Two posts in one day! I'm back people!

Let me be perfectly clear. A Goofy Movie is awesome. These fine folks in Random City, USA filmed a live action sequence of the opening song in A Goofy Movie. I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday. Although, if I had my drothers this thing would be staring Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Max and myself as Roxanne.



I've been inspired! I want to do my own live action movie that mirrors a Disney cartoon. So here's my suggestion from the famed animated movie staring the most asians Mulan.



Don't look at me like that. I'm super athletic and I catch stuff with my bare hands all the time. Like thin mints. Those mothers aren't going anywhere.

Today I Blog!: Blog

I'm feeling saucy today what can I say. You've all probably stopped reading this blog considering I haven't been writing it. And who can blame you. BUT if you still read, I appreciate your patience. There's a jar of pickles* coming your way.

*naturally I don't mean a literal jar of pickles, but the various sexual favors my hired monkey will do for you. Don't mess with that monkey though, she's feminist and she owns a house.

Today, I want to dedicate a blog post to my creepy Chinese fan. China gets a lot of flack for being communist and freedom crushing, and for their love of donkey sandwiches (not a sexual position). But if you take the time to read the sweet things my Chinese blog reader is writing I think you'll remember what the Chinese should really be known for...their heart.

Shelbfest took the time to translate my Chinese reader's comment. It's pretty moving so if you have some weakness tissues around I suggest you grab them now.

"Adult porn chat rooms hot passionate crush 520sex naked beautiful map of adult self-timer 18-limited video viewing av sex video chat adult chat rooms adult masturbation passion pornographic pictures sex520 self-timer sneaked photographs net 18 ban on adult video chat lust beauty of Taiwan Network restricted female masturbation adult chat erotic skirts erotic fun T-back forum for the dew point of extreme shock adult video chat, Ai-ai-Star dew Taiwan avlive show pornographic websites masturbation video beautiful young woman adult chat network adult channels of people-to-many passionate slut wife Mature adult porn av adult chat room video network over the show love dairy giant chat room night is beautiful girl free video sex chip-to-many pink nipples make love video chat with beautiful sexy woman adult pornography Web sites chest picture video sex erotic sex with babes chat rooms big breast."

I know, it really cuts to the heart of you doesn't it? I haven't been this moved since I watched "The Cutting Edge" for the first time. Figure skating + D.B. Sweeney = straight up Olympic romance.

DC Blog: Make it Stop

Yes, I haven't written in awhile. I work now. It's what I do. And unfortunately, unlike SOME people I know, I don't blog for a living.

I'm an adult goddammit, I go to conferences. Specifically, ones in DC. You want a list of what I learned about DC? You got it bitches.

1. Everywhere is DC smells like crab cakes- and they are delicious. But when you go into a museum and it smells like crab cakes it's just distracting. Especially when you're in the Museum of Crime and Punishment and learning about Old Smokey and the dude it didn't kill.

...yeah.

2. The place is crawling with hot dudes in suits- I still repelled all of them. So DC has that in common with Denver. Things went well.

3. From the six hours I got to experience daylight DC seemed like a pretty place- But I was probably drunk when I saw anything. People drink a lot at conferences and who am I to be an outlier.

4. It's awkward when your state Senator busts you jaywalking- It's cool though, he probably just thought I was one of those intriguing rebel types.

5. Meh, I think I'm gonna grab a mimosa on the way to work.